Moving Blogs

After much thought, I've decided to close this blog down. From now on, I'll be posting to my main blog at my website.I will keep this blog online for the time being, but I won't be posting anymore on it.

Community & Challenge

The last few months have been hard for me. I've lost a lot of social interaction, as a result I spend most of my free time alone. A weekly get-together of friends has been put on hold, and I don't really talk with people at church, mainly because the vast majority are a different generation from me. My hobbies have fallen flat, too. I can't settle on a coding project, and until this month I have not had the ability to sit and write for very long. Games... just aren't fun anymore. Doing things in regards to Christian and theology and the Bible don't keep my attention. Being exhausted from work doesn't help in any of this.

I've long wondered why this stuff is happening to me. A couple weeks ago I think I found what I was looking for. Community and challenge. It seems so bloody obvious! I'm a social creature, and one who craves having something to work toward. These are what make me enjoy life.

Community
Things done alone, or that'll never be seen by anyone, or that doesn't serve a group of people are things I often have trouble staying motivated on. What's the point of them, if they're only going to be seen by me? If there's no use for it? It's just a waste of time.

This is particularly evident in my choice of games. I've found it's so much more fun when I'm part of a gaming community. Having others who can see what I'm doing in the game, or being part of a team, that sort of stuff. I remember I used to play a Facebook app called Starfleet Commander, where I was part of an alliance. Interacting with people was part of why I played that game almost daily for a year or two. I also used to play NationStates. It was fun enough pretending to lead a country and see what kind of government my opinions would form. I was also an active member of a region, the in-game name for an alliance. Eventually I ended up being part of a region's government. If I were just logging in once every couple days to do a quick task or so, I would have gotten bored very quickly.

This need for community explains why a couple things I'm doing right now are succeeding. First off, I'm taking part in NaNoWriMo this year. I'm part of a community, specifically the NaNoWriMo forums. Talking with other people about plotting and reaching 50,000 words is exciting and motivating. I'll probably reach the word count goal this year, too. Normally I can't get very much of a story written down. Oh sure I'll get a basic plot and maybe a few thousand words but somehow I end up being distracted and disinterested. It's the presence of a large community that draws me to it and makes me want to keep going.

Second, as I've mentioned here and there, I'm a volunteer soundboard operator/radio host for my church. Even though the task is easy, I enjoy it greatly. That's because I'm doing it not for my own sake, but for that of my church. It's something I'm doing for my community. I'm being useful not only for a group, but also an ideology that is important to me.

Socially speaking, I've been terribly lacking in community lately. It seems like I've drifted out of most of my friendships. Text messages are usually StraightTalk telling me I need to add more time to my phone. I get a bit of interaction on social networking sites, but not much in real life. This is hard to deal with. Even though I'm introverted, I'm still a human, and humans are social creatures.

Challenge
A few years ago I would have told you my ideal life is one where I had no challenge or problems. Where everything I wanted, I could get with minimal effort. I've come to realize I would despise that sort of life. I need to be on a mission. I need to have something to work toward. I need a goal to progress to. I'm a problem solver. I need challenge.

That's why programming is something I like so much. It's mental stimulation, figuring out how to get to the desired goal. There are programming projects I have attempted but never completed. It's a shame, really. They were the kind of challenge I need. Enough that I would learn something new, but not so much that I couldn't figure things out.

This is also why I'm doing NaNoWriMo. It gives you thirty days to write a 50,000 word novel. This is something I can sink my teeth into.

What to Do
So I guess, if I wanted to get these into my life more, the first thing I ought to do is get some more community in my life. The challenge part is around in ample supply; I simply need people to experience it with. For writing, programming, and gaming (and whatever else might catch my interest), this is simple enough - find online message boards or people I know in real life who are likewise into these things, and start going through things with them.

General social life, getting out of the habit of sitting in front of my computer alone all day, is significantly more difficult. Friendships are slowly made, but are often hard for me to maintain. I don't know why this is. What I need to find, I suppose, are people who are equally willing to stay in touch. Or more willing, as the case may be. That's especially challenging, perhaps more challenge than I can take on, because I don't live somewhere that is known for its young adult social scene. To be terribly honest, I'm not sure how to tackle this issue.

Projects October 2014

Here's what I have going on for the month of October.

Web development: Been inactive in this area, don't really see myself jumping back into it any time soon.

Writing: The story from 2009, presently titled Failed Hero, has gone through its first round of editing. I made it sound a little less preachy. I want to lengthen it somehow, but that will have to wait for a month or two.

I spent much of September contemplating and writing another story that I've titled First. I see a lot of potential in this one.

Now I'm beginning to plan out my NaNoWriMo novel, which doesn't have a name yet. The premise is basically this: two years after a global pandemic killed off all adults, much of the western United States has come under a loose organization called the Order of Friendship, which is trying to restore public utilities and social order. About 1 in 200 people have developed an effect called the red eye, where under fight-or-flight situations their irises turn red and they increase in physical strength, speed, endurance, and the like. One of the people with this effect is part of a sort of special operations group in the Order of Friendship's militia. After her boyfriend dies in battle (I really don't want this to be the only reason, I more want this to be the event that pushes her over the line) she defects and starts opposing the Order. I still need to figure out the rest of the plot.

Minecraft and Gaming: There were a few weeks when I was playing this almost daily, building some of the fresh ideas I had. But now I'm really burned out on the game. I haven't seriously played it in a couple weeks.

Instead I've been dabbling with Freeciv, a browser turn-based strategy game. I like strategy games but I don't have the quick wits for real-time strategy. I also found a Facebook app, Game of Thrones: Ascents, which I kind of like. It's simple enough in terms of mechanics.

Honestly, I'm just looking for something fun. I'm big on strategy, logic, and puzzle games. I am getting tired of combat games, and ones which require you build up your little down and go through an unnecessarily long tech tree before you can actually do anything. I just want to play already!

Freelancing: Made a little bit of progress here. Right now I'm not active with it, and I'm not sure I will be any time soon.

Exercise: Work is my main form of exercise. I weighed myself last night and I'm down to 187. I finished the summer of 2013 (last year) at 185, so eventually I'm going to start making some record lows. I don't plan on doing much in this realm, but if things go right I'll keep losing weight.

Religious activity: So far the position as soundboard operator/radio host is going well. It's really not a terribly demanding task.

Reading: Finished A Clash of Kings last month, so now I'm reading A Storm of Swords. I'm currently about half way through it. I timed myself, and I seem to read about 20 pages per hour, so that's the goal I put on myself per day. I'm going through George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series.

Projects September 2014

I can't freaking believe it's September already. Here are miscellaneous projects and stuff I'm doing in my free time.

Web development: Redesigning my website. What I need to do right now is come up with a good theme, either by finding it or making it myself. So far I've been having technical issues with that.

Writing: A few things going on.

First, I've finished editing a story I wrote in 2009, and am looking for ways to push the word count to 50,000. That's considered the minimum word count for a novel and I've never actually written a novel before. Once it's done, I don't know, I might make it an eBook?

Second, I have committed to doing NaNoWriMo this year. That's right, I'm going to take the challenge finally. I have a skeleton for the plot figured out, and some scenes in my head. I will flesh it out next month.

Third, I'm going to try and get a short story published at Strange Horizons. It's right up my alley, and I think it would be cool to see my work in a public medium.

Minecraft: I have a bunch of concurrent projects here, which makes things fun. I have a castle in progress, a redstone-powered underground base, and a couple other things going on.

Freelancing: Not much been going on here. Really should try to get back into this. The main problem is time and energy. I have so much I want to do, but working a factory job expends most of my energy.

Exercise: Been slacking on this. I currently stand somewhere around 193-195 pounds and have been there for a few months.

Religious activity: The devotional I've been reading has grown boring. It doesn't really have any theological meat in it. I need something that stimulates my brain more. Haven't taken much time to read the Bible. There are a few books I've read several times now, it's hard to motivate myself to go through them again. A few months ago I started reading The Defense of the Augsburg Confession since I'm trying to get deeper into Lutheran theology. The archaic language makes it a dry and difficult read.

On the plus side, I've started doing the sound board and radio broadcast for my church. I'll probably handle it for a couple more Sundays, then go on a rotation with the two others who do it. So about every third week I'll be in the church balcony, and the other Sundays I'll be in the pews.

Reading: Almost done with A Clash of Kings, then will start A Storm of Swords. I'm going through George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series.

Growing Up

Twenty-Three
With the exception of my 21st birthday, I've made a post on here to remember each birthday since I started this blog. My God how I have changed over the last four years alone. This past Sunday was my 23rd birthday.

If 22 didn't feel significant, 23 does. At 18 you're legally an adult. At 21, you're able to drink. At 22 you're generally the age where people graduate from college. 23 feels like the transition from adolescent to adult. At this point, I can't help but feel the excuse of youth no longer applies to me. People are lenient on those who are young, because they probably don't understand how the world works. 23 is still kind of young, but not like 21 or 22.

When I hear 23 I think of someone who is done or close to done with the training that is high school, college, and those messy relationships where nobody actually knows what they're doing. It sounds like someone getting themselves firmly planted in life.

Now Is My Time
Now's my time. I will still have family and close friends to rely on, but the world isn't going to baby me anymore. All my life I was pushed in one direction, encouraged in another. That stops at this point. It's no longer expected that I'm going to screw up. It's expected that I'm going to do things right.

In a way, 23 is a scary age, because it's one of change. It's the point where I'm removed from the coddling of youth and placed in the realm of adulthood where I'm expected to pull my weight or drown in the current. Those supportive institutions I could fall on before? Yeah, those are for a certain age range and I'm no longer in it.

But it's also a bit of an exciting age, because now it's up to me where my life goes, more or less. If I want to make progress in my hobbies, I need to be diligent to pursue those things. Nobody's going to do them for me. Nobody's going to go out of their way to make me better at them. It's up to me to find the resources and the people. The world isn't looking to make me happy or smart. The world is full of people just trying to keep themselves alive and somewhat content.

What Do I Want?
If I'm going to set into motion making life into something I like, it has to start now. Indeed, on Sunday I began the process. The yearning for simplicity I've wanted for so long? I'm going for it. It's hard fighting things that are so deeply ingrained into my psyche as to almost be instinctual. But I'm not expecting perfection from myself right off the bat. I've gained some vision in the things I want to devote my energies in. I haven't (yet) jumped back on the weight loss bandwagon. I need to figure how how I'm gonna fit time into doing that. I wanted to find a way to serve my church, and in a few weeks' time I'll begin acting as one of the radio hosts for my church's Sunday broadcasts. I'm also going to (try) and become more intentional about dating and the like.

Exhausted

Does anyone else get periods of time, ranging from days to weeks, where there is no motivation to do anything, at all? I have been experiencing such a thing for the past week or so.

I think it's partially due to my job. I've finally landed a full time job, but it's factory work, so I'm on my feet for 8 hours straight. With it being summer in Kansas, the shift starts at 5 AM. This means I'm getting up stupidly early in the morning, and expending a lot of energy the entire time. (It is nice being home and showered by 2 PM, though.) This takes all the energy and motivation out of me. After I'm cleaned up I'll watch an episode of whatever sci-fi series I'm going through (currently Star Trek: Enterprise) and read for an hour. After that, I don't really do anything.

I don't know, I guess nothing catches my fancy anymore. There has always been something that interested me. But it seems like that's all gone. I feel like I've basically done all I want to do in Minecraft. Although I've wanted to get into Android development, the software needed to do so has fought me every step. Eclipse is a frustrating piece of software. I'm at the point in my web development knowledge that I don't have anymore challenges to tackle. More powerful languages like Java, C#, and so on are already familiar enough to me that I haven't much more to learn.

Taking in as much film and book as I have recently has given me a little boost in writing. New ideas keep popping in my head. I almost wonder if this is something I could channel my energy in. But I can't push myself to get some stuff figured out. I'm exhausted.

Oh, and there are some odds and ends. I briefly had an infatuation with Age of Empires, but that has since passed. I started a blog for learning how to do a math course I'm not too good at. Haven't touched it in over a month. And a couple other miscellaneous blogs.

Work has sapped much of my energy, although I think it's still there. I need something to channel it, though. There are two things I feel would help me. First, I could benefit from finding something practical to do with my skills. I know how to code well enough, but what good is that knowledge if I'm not using it? If nobody is seeing or running the stuff I write? At the moment I just don't have any use for that skill. Or consider writing. I write for the sake of writing sometimes, but it's kind of pointless to me right now. I could try to find an online magazine or something which takes submissions, and write with the intent of being published. The stuff I'm writing isn't being seen by anyone. It's not being published anywhere. There's not much use for it.

Second, it could be time to plain try something new. I was going to do this with Android development, but technical issues got in the way. Trying new things helps me get out of the rut of being exhausted and burned out. I've found it often jump starts my creative and mental energies. What might I try? I could start a vlog. I never do get much privacy, though, and that kind of thing would need to be done with some privacy. I've mentioned my interest in learning history, so that's an option. Or maybe something else. It's not terribly clear to me where I should go from here.

I Don't Want it Bad Enough

(Edit: friend and fellow blogger Simon wrote a post responding to this one, suggesting that what I lack is not desire, but determination.)

There are a lot of incompleted and failed projects in my life. For all the impressive things I have done, countless others have fallen by the wayside. I come up with all these plans and thoughts and stuff, but ultimately nothing comes out of it. Why? I think it's simply because I don't want it bad enough.

I've always been told that if I came up with smart goals, planned stuff out, and worked at things a little bit every day, I could accomplish anything. It sounds nice, it sounds true, but I'm beginning to think it isn't. There's another element involved, one that you can't pencil in: desire.

I'm very good at planning, scheduling, coming up with to-do lists and short term goals. I do it a lot in my free time. But the weird part is, most of the things I plan to do, never get done. There are so many things I want to do:

• I want to finish my coding projects on my website.
• I want to become a published novelist.
• I want a short story to be published in a magazine of some kind.
• I want to become a successful freelancer.
• I want to learn about church history and the Roman Empire, post-Julius Caesar.
• I want to build awesome things in Minecraft.
• Etc...

To accomplish these things I've gone through my usual routine of planning and goal-setting. But this has mostly failed. All because while they interested me and seemed cool, once I got into the details of making them happen, I discovered I didn't want it that much. Indeed I could say that about so many things. I like it, I want it, but not bad enough.

Perhaps this is the cause of so much frustration. I set up a plan to do something and give up after a few days or weeks. I take all the steps to be successful. Yet in the end, my heart just isn't in it. 

I don't give much attention to my emotions. Maybe this is one of those times I should. If I don't really want to do something, then I won't if I don't need to. I'm proud of my ability to be productive. When nothing is terribly interesting to me, I can't be productive. Hence the frustration.

I'm not sure there's anything I can do about this. I can't stir interest in something that doesn't interest me. I can't make myself love anything. At least, not in any way I know. It's just one of those things I need to learn to work with. Be nicer to myself when I'm not putting every minute of my time to good use. Realize that sitting on the computer is OK, because it's not like I can bring myself to do anything meaningful anyway.

Check-In #19

Starting weight: 205 lbs.

Last week's weight: 198 lbs.

This week's weight: 198 lbs.

This is annoying and discouraging. It doesn't make sense. My job is basically manual labor, and comparatively speaking I just don't eat a lot. I know it's possible to plateau, and maybe I'm hitting one right now. Oh well, here's to next week.

7 pounds down. 58 left.

Check-In #18

Starting weight: 205 lbs.

Last week's weight: 197 lbs.

This week's weight: 198 lbs.

First setback week since I began. I guess the combination of a sedentary lifestyle plus a few bits of fast food caught up to me finally. That's alright. I recently began a new job, one which is physical on an excruciating level. Assuming I survive it, I'll probably lose weight more rapidly.

7 pounds down. 58 left.

Check-In #17: Just... What?

Starting weight: 205 lbs.

Last week's weight: 198 lbs.

This week's weight: 197 lbs.

I... I can't explain how this happened. After all the dietary and lifestyle choices I made this week, I still lost weight?

HOW?!

This week was filled with its share of ice cream, chocolate, and pizza. I didn't really exercise or move around much. The most motion I had was at work. Since it's a fairly physical job, maybe that's how I balanced an otherwise terrible diet. I don't know. I'm flabbergasted, I'm at a loss of words. But I won't complain. I'm just glad I lost weight. Here's to next week having wiser decisions.

8 pounds down. 57 left.

Check-In #16

Starting weight: 205 lbs.

Last week's weight: 203 lbs.

This week's weight: 198 lbs.

I have no idea how I managed it, but I lost 5 pounds this week. It's weird because I didn't change my habits in any significant way. In fact I had ice cream cake and chocolate. Yet I saw a good result this week. I don't know if this is going to keep up. It might be a fluke. I might gain weight by next week. But for now, I'll take what I can get.

7 pounds down. 58 to go.

Check-In #15

Starting weight/last week's weight: 205 lbs
This week's weight: 203 lbs

That really kind of surprised me. I've been keeping track of my weight all week. For most of it, there was almost no change. At one point I was up one pound. So coming in with two pounds down is a pleasant surprise.

I did a lot of moving around this past week. I think I used the home treadmill three times, each for an hour. There was also plenty of walking around town, usually about an hour's worth. I haven't really done sit ups or push ups, and I'd like to include those in my daily routines.

Last time I started losing weight, I dropped 5 pounds in the course of a week. I think I'm not seeing that again because the dramatic weight loss happened mostly before I weighed myself last week. There was almost a week between returning home and doing that weigh-in. But that's alright. Any loss is better than nothing. It'd be really cool if I could continue the 2 pound per week loss rate.

Two pounds down, 63 to go.

Check-In #14: Weight Loss, Season 2

Approximately one year ago I decided it was time to lose weight. I got on the scale and gave myself the official starting number of 205 pounds. Thirteen weeks later, on August 23, I reported a final weight of 185 pounds.

Between then and now, I think my weight has fluctuated a bit. College returned and a combination of lots of food and not so much exercise probably made my weight increase. For a couple months I had a biweekly exercise routine where I spent a half hour on an elliptical trainer, as well as doing some other exercises. Now I have returned home and am ready to start weight loss again.

To be totally honest, I was scared to look at my weight. It was partially due to shame. Shame that I had let myself put on weight again. As school got more difficult on me I stopped exercising and kept eating. That's just one of many ways I've failed myself and others this school year. Now things are different. I'm home for the summer and most likely the rest of the school year. It's time to begin the weight loss regiment once again.

Starting weight: 205 pounds.
Goal weight: 140 pounds.

How amazing is it that I end up at the exact same weight as when I started last time? It's so bizarre, almost comical. Things have gone full circle. I'm back to my goal of dropping 65 pounds.

This time, I have a plan for my exercise routine. Each day will have an hour on the treadmill my family has bought since last summer. If I'm out and about walking around town and it's an hour, I'll count that for the exercise. I'm also going to include daily sets of push-ups and sit-ups, which will increase with time. My caloric intake will be lower at home than at college. After all, at K-State food is provided in buffet style. Obviously, a single household can't do that.

It's time to get started. I'll post my weight every Tuesday evening, basically picking up where I left off with my thirteenth check-in. 65 pounds to go.

Divergent

(Warning: There be spoilers here!)

A couple weeks ago I watched Divergent with a couple friends, and it was a really good movie. I want to write down my thoughts and opinions on the film because I found it really fun to watch and it touched on a really personal level.

The movie is set in a dystopic future where apparently there was some kind of huge, possibly global, war. A century after the war a system was set up where people were divided into five groups based on personality. You have the selfless Abegnation; the warrior Dauntless; the scientific Erudites; the brutally honest Candor; and the loving artistic Amity. They live in Chicago which looks run down but is actually quite lively. Surrounding the city is a huge lookout wall that Dauntless use to be on the lookout for war-affected mutated humans. There are also people that are factionless. They are sort of the homeless of the world, and are cared for by the Abegnation.

The main character is Beatrice, who later takes on the name Tris. She is from the Abegnation. During the scan which sees which faction she's best suited for, it's found she is a Divergent. These are people who don't think like normal people and thus don't neatly fit into the system which the humans founded a century back. I almost wondered if perhaps this equated to Asperger's or some such, but she was not portrayed as having any social or cognitive issues. On the day she is to choose what faction she will be in, Beatrice picks Dauntless, since she admired them.

Dauntless are nothing short of amazing, and honestly I feel her amazement at the faction. They routinely climb stuff and jump out of trains. The process by which they become inititated into the faction involves a lot of rigorous physical training and plenty of fighting. At first, Tris (the name she gives herself in Dauntless) is one of the weaker members. But she persists in her training and, while she doesn't become cream of the crop, she does mostly avoid being kicked out.

In her training there is a process where one faces their fears in a hallucination. It's an interesting experiment and something that touches personally to me. Over the course of the movie she finds that the Erudite want to take control of society away from the Abegnation. She also has to hide the fact she is a Divergent since such people are killed. One of her mentors, and later love interest, is also a secret Divergent. When the rest of the Dauntless are drugged into being a sort of mindless army, the two of them lead a mission to stop the Abegnation from being genocidally murdered by Erudite leadership. They do succeed, of course, but at the expense of essentially becoming outcasts from their society, since they had killed leaders and basically caused untold disruption to society.

There are a few things that stand out to me in this movie. First, it seems to be a monomyth aka Hero's Journey, film. But this time, the main character is a female. She isn't a terribly attractive person, but that gives the movie brownie points in my eyes. There are enough shows and films with hot actresses; let's give it a rest. She starts off as being a sweet Abegnation girl who doesn't have much in terms of physical strength or mental sharpness. Her dogged determination, as well as exposure to life-threatening situations, gradually turns her into a person who is strong in every way she was previously lacking. Seeing her go from her original state to warrior-like, able to handle the futuristic gun that is the Dauntless weapon of choice, as well as being very clever and brave, is really awesome. There was one scene where her mother is killed, and the stoicism she developed during the movie is temporarily lost; the actress is able to portray deeply seated sadness with facial expressions that are extremely accurate and touching.

One of the things I wish were different about myself were my physical and mental hardness. Physically, I'm not someone who is capable of much. I don't have outstanding strength, or speed, or really anything. My pain threshold is low enough that I would be useless in a fight. Being a guy, I have that sort of warrior drive to be able to protect, provide, and hold my own in situations where strength and ability to defend myself are important. Unfortunately I've never been one to have that ability. Mentally, I don't see myself as an exceptionally brave person. My religious beliefs are sometimes unpopular and people might think I'm "brave" for holding to them in the face of opposition, but that's not really the bravery I'd like. I'd like the bravery to stand up to someone even at the risk - especially at the risk - of a physical altercation. So seeing someone like me, a physically uncommanding and uncourageous person, go from this state to being bold and competent is appealing. I sort of lived vicariously through Trice's story, I guess.

The Dauntless have this axiom, "never give up." This is seen in a situation where one of the characters hangs on to a railing for dear life, as she was over a deadly drop. She held on until she couldn't anymore, and then at the last moment the mentor let her fellow newcomers to Dauntless rescue her. The lesson was to not give up no matter the costs. I find that exceptionally admirable and I'm almost envious of the ability to have that sort of tenacity. I'm not someone who is good at keeping it up when everything seems impossible, much less fatal.

Visually the movie was very fun to watch. I'm a sucker for eye candy and the movie delivered on that.

I was fascinated by the idea of a society divided by personality type. I'm interested by the idea that people have personality types which can be neatly divided into groups. Which is why I like things such as MBTI, Kiersey temperaments, enneagrams, and so on. I wondered to myself what faction I would likely belong to. All things considered I'm most likely a mix of Candor and Edrudite. I can sort of see MBTI parallels in the factions: Erudite screams of NT, Dauntless is SP, Amity is probably NF. Abegnation seems more SFJ, while the lawyer-like nature of Candor gives an STJ vibe.

One of the things I don't like is the eventual inclusion of a romance storyline. Tris eventually falls for Four, one of her mentors. If you ask me it just comes out of nowhere. They have a moment alone with each other, a few words are exchanged... and bam, they're kissing. Oh and there was quite likely implied sex... because when doesn't that happen in a modern young adult film. I don't like love plots anywhere. But given the nature of the rest of the film, I guess it was a bit of a necessary evil to drive the story further. Now, Four has a tattoo on his back of the logos of all five factions. This was a glaringly obvious hint that he was also a Divergent. I got the feeling he was a Divergent earlier in the film by the way he interacted with Tris. Had he not been one, he would have reported the girl as soon as he found out.

The ending was also kind of weak. It ends with Tris narrating how now they had nowhere to go, and were on a train to wherever they would hide out. It sounded all hopeful and stuff. But to me it was just sort of bleh. There surely had to be better, stronger ways to finish off the movie. If nothing else, it leave a large opening for a sequel.

Kind of cliche, but the girl's father is a major figure in the city's government. I guess some sort of relevance needed to be established for her.

Overall, it was a very pleasant thing to watch. It's actually an adaptation of a book, which is in trilogy form. I've been wanting to get back into reading books. And I've always been a lover of sci fi. This seems like a really good trilogy to pick up on. I would like to find a paper copy of the book instead of an ebook or PDF. But it's for sure something I would like to read. The movie is inspirational for me, in a way. It's like how fairy tales we tell kids can move and motivate them. I connected with the main character strongly. It motivates me to press on and go hard in what I want to do, because if I have the dogged determination for it, I can accomplish a lot. The movie also sparked sort of my testosterone-led, warrior side. I would really like to find a way to explore that side of me more.

Living Life

I don't know what sparked it in me. Maybe it was the lack of anything to do in my hometown. Maybe it was the usually quiet atmosphere of my home. The desire to do something big with my life, in a setting where nothing big ever really happens. But over the last year, and especially the past six months, I've had a yearning like nothing else to finish learning how to survive in this world, leave the family home for a residence of my own, and start living life.

These days I have what feels like an insatiable urge in me. There'd been a nagging desire in me to start moving from the padded, structured, and limited path that school and family had led me through. Moving from that to the adventure that is life outside of college and the parents' house. A life where I create the means to pursue my desires and go where God takes me. Over the past Thanksgiving break, it all really struck me in one emotional moment. I thought to myself, "this isn't home anymore. My home is out there, in the world."

I want to start living life. This might seem strange. I'm breathing, doing vaguely interesting things (though I perceive myself as having a really boring life), occasionally talking to people, etc. But I can't help but feel like I'm not actually living. Living to me, is things like this: finishing college; getting a stable job; moving into an apartment by myself or with other guys; finding someone to love; working with my church to hold Bible studies; buying my own groceries; deciding things for myself; and so on. Not a lot of these are really feasible while I'm at college, or at home with my parents in a 10,000 population town. I feel like I'm currently in waiting. Sure I'm at college, but still it feels like I'm not really doing anything here. I want to apply what I know. I want to blaze my path. Sometimes it emotionally hurts because I feel so ready to get going but I'm held back like this.

That said. To some degree I am beginning to experience these things. And I'm not entirely sure I'm doing it very well. I have a job. I have responsibilities due to class. Heck, I have bills. Lack of motivation too easy stops me from getting things done. The temptation to veg out in front of the computer is there, and it's easy to fall for until the last minute. I realize that making my way into the post-college world is going to have its share of challenges. But I'm not even experiencing half the problems that I'll have in a few years' time, and already I feel overwhelmed and unable to meet the challenges. Maybe I'll just get more mature over time, after I've made a few mistakes and had to deal with their consequences.

It's instinctual for me to try and do everything alone. For some reason beyond me, I just don't like doing things with other people. I want to work alone. Maybe it's a matter of being independent, or having total control over what's happening.  That's something I really, really need to work on. Life isn't meant to be done independently. I mean for Pete's sake, I hope to be married someday. That kind of requires team work! The knowledge and experience of others is immensely beneficial to everyone. Asking people smarter than me for help could be so useful. If only I could overcome the natural tendencies to do the opposite.

TNG Episodes Aired around My Birthday

I thought this was interesting and worth posting. My birthday is in August. I recently came across the original air dates for episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, which happens to be my favorite TV series.

The episode that aired closest to my birthday was the cliffhanger finale of season four, "Redemption, Part I." It was the 100th episode of the series and the beginning of an excellent storyline that would continue into part 2, at the start of the series's fifth season. So about the time I was born, the storyline of the Klingon civil war and Picard's involvement was unfolding.

Opening Up

A month or so ago I posted about trying to be more sociable with those around me. At the time I didn't have the habits needed to really open communication with anyone. The result was me generally being fairly alone.

That post was made during my college's winter break. Back home there aren't many opportunities for me to socialize. Not much to do, and there aren't very many people in my demographic there. The campus itself is where most of the work has happened. And have things happened.

My methods have been pretty simple. Say hello to people I know as I pass them if situation permits. I don't greet everyone, all the time, though. Part of me doesn't see the need for that - it'd be kind of unnatural, I feel - and another part is simple anxiety. I also use stock questions appropriate to the setting to break the ice. Normally it doesn't lead to much conversation. That's OK, I don't think it normally does.

Instead of going into a lot of detail or theory, I'll just mention a few things that stick out in my mind as successes in my attempts to be a little more, you know, human.

• Classes require me to be up at 7 AM. One morning I was at breakfast around 7:30 and a floormate who also had an early class ended up sitting next to me. In a fairly empty dining hall, no less. Normally that would have become an awkward situation - at least for me. I decided to try what I've been attempting to learn. In my mind, the most obvious thing to note and ask about was the early time of the day. I asked her what had her up so early. The floormate answered, and a few minutes later asked why I was up at that time as well. It was only a few sentences, but it was more sentences than I would have said and heard a semester ago.
• At my campus ministry there's a part where people are encouraged to meet someone they don't know. Usually we're given a game to play or a question to ask the person. Typically I don't get involved in this, as I'm not really one for meeting new people. This time around, though, I went to give it a shot. I was going to look for someone on the other side of the room, but a guy sitting a couple chairs away from me approached me. The ice breaker question we were given didn't lead to much conversation. So I improvised and started asking stuff you hear a lot on campus - hometown, major, school year, and religious background since it's a Christian ministry. I unexpectedly made a comment that made us both crack up. In the end, the conversation would have gone longer than the time we had to chit chat - and I was the one leading the conversation!
• To get to the college I had to stop at a friend's place so I could ride with him to the campus. On that particular day several of his family members were over for lunch. Normally I would keep to myself and not really talk unless someone asked me something. I won't say I was a charismatic charmer, but I was a little more out of my shell than usual with it.
• Generally I'm learning how to say hi to people more. That's a pretty useful way of opening communications.

In addition to the stuff that's progressing now, there are a couple things I also want to focus on. Something I've observed with the people on my floor is how there are these sort of cliques. Groups of people who seem to hang out with each other all day, every day. As it stands, I don't really have a clique. That's how I've always been. Instead I tend to float between groups, forming friendships with one or two members, but otherwise just going off on my own most of the time. What I would like to do is find a clique of my own to hang to. One which has both genders. Usually I'm surrounded only by guys, or only by girls. This is nice, but I don't think it's optimal.

A question I don't ask much, and would like to start asking more, is "How are you?" or some variant thereof. It seems to be a pretty common thing, and I think it would work well as a topic starter.

Then there's the ol' awkward elevator silence. I don't know if that's worth fixing or not. Elevators are usually quiet, kinda awkward anyway. It's not like I'm messing something up.

[TOU] Concerned about College

This is the third post in a little post series I've come up with called "The Overworked Undergrad."

In a few days I'll be heading back to college for my fourth semester at K-State. I'm excited to be heading back, to learn more and meet up with friends I made there. But I'm also kinda freaked out about what lies ahead. A lot of it isn't exactly ideal.

Burn Out

Last semester was a a fluke academically. My grades were mostly C's. This coming from a person who typically got A's and B's in prior classes. The problem was that I simply burned out. A couple of the classes were hard for me and it took its toll emotionally. I got help for it during the last month or so of classes and learned a lot of valuable things.

I've recovered from the burnout, but I've not forgotten it. I'm worried that I'll go through it again. College is tough. Tougher than anything I've ever gone through before. I do have a bit of a plan, but I don't know if it's enough. My preparation might not be sufficient. I might still get halfway through the semester and start screwing up because of the pressure.

Ideas:

• More thoroughly plan things out, and stick to that. I was doing well in this regard last semester until I underestimated the size of some projects. Those really messed me up for the rest of the semester.
• Build a support system. I'll go more into detail about this later. I think it's possibly the biggest need I have right now.
• Reward myself! When I finish a big job or do well on an assignment, treat myself to something.
• Have "me" things to do. Stuff that can be done recreationally.

Early Bird

Due to some scheduling mishaps, I'm gonna have three 7:30 AM classes a week. This is a big source of concern for me. Yes I'm a morning person. Still, this is too early for me. My first semester at K-State there was a 7:30 lab I had to be in. That royally and unequivocally sucked. I did enjoy the feeling of being up when it finished at 9:20 AM.

This time around it's a one hour lecture, and not a two hour lab. So in that regard I might not be as fatigued by it. The class is located about ten minutes away from my dorm. To handle this early class I might just wake up at 7:00 AM, get my stuff ready, and head out. If there are any floormates or friends that are taking the class as well, I could walk there with them. Having someone to share the fatigue of an early morning helps.

 Now Hiring

Finances are a bit tight again this semester. Last semester I didn't understand how the payment system worked. I narrowly avoided getting into some serious issues. I don't want to make that mistake again. To remedy this situation, I need a job.

This is a source of possible stress for me. For one I have no guarantee I will be hired by anyone, anywhere. There are multiple job openings, without a doubt, but am I qualified for any of them? Can I fit any of them into my schedule? I want to be quick and decisive in choosing where I want to work.

There are three choices I have right now. First is as a web developer for the website. I applied to that a couple times but thus far have not been hired. Second is at an on-campus convenience store. There are (I think) three locations on campus that I could apply for. I don't mind working late nights at the branch next to my dorm. But if I end up working for one further away, I wouldn't really feel safe walking alone at 1 AM. I would also be very tired. My third option, again, is Varsity Donuts. A bit of a walk, probably wouldn't want to work nights. But it's also a relaxed vintage environment. Just the thing for me.

Hi There!

As I mentioned in my previous blog post, another thing I'm working on is being more sociable. I did a good job at making very few friends last semester. It's bit me in the butt severely. This semester I know I can and will do better. Because I've already talk about this, I won't dig any deeper into the topic.

Support Network

This is probably the biggest thing I need to work on. I have spent all of my life generally doing things solo. While I can do a lot of things alone, I can't do them all by myself. That's not a healthy expectation to put on myself. Having people to help me out is very necessary to get by in college and life. I don't think acting as a lone ranger is normally how people succeed in life.

The main purposes of a support network are having people who can help me solve problems, and hold me accountable to do what I need. Oftentimes there's fact finding that needs to be done, but I don't have the time or knowledge to find it. Instead of being left in the dust I can turn to people more knowledgeable than me. This might be something as simple as asking a friend for help with schoolwork, or seeking a tutor. I did these a little more toward the end of last semester. It's not something I totally like, but it's much better than the frustration coming with the alternative. Or it could be people I can feel comfortable talking to when under stress or worry.

Having people to hold me accountable is important. I don't like making big or uncomfortable decisions. I procrastinate on them. I tend to hope they'll work themselves out. But they don't always do. I've realized sometimes I just need a swift kick in the butt to get into action. That kick is having a group of people who I can tell, "Remind me to do X" or "Make sure I get Y done by such-and-such a time." Again, it's a bit uncomfortable to put myself in this kind of position. I think I can adjust to it, though, and ultimately it'll make life easier for me.