tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29098314506980015082024-03-18T21:48:26.491-05:00Shawn's Online JournalYet another blog in the endless sea of blogs. The thoughts of a born-again Christian nerd who probably thinks himself more interesting than he really is.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-18400170971831531242014-12-13T14:14:00.004-06:002014-12-13T14:14:39.538-06:00Moving BlogsAfter much thought, I've decided to close this blog down. From now on, I'll be posting to my main blog at <a href="http://www.shawncontant.com/">my website</a>.I will keep this blog online for the time being, but I won't be posting anymore on it.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-58667486330478545602014-10-12T18:07:00.001-05:002014-10-12T18:07:49.447-05:00Community & ChallengeThe last few months have been hard for me. I've lost a lot of social interaction, as a result I spend most of my free time alone. A weekly get-together of friends has been put on hold, and I don't really talk with people at church, mainly because the vast majority are a different generation from me. My hobbies have fallen flat, too. I can't settle on a coding project, and until this month I have not had the ability to sit and write for very long. Games... just aren't fun anymore. Doing things in regards to Christian and theology and the Bible don't keep my attention. Being exhausted from work doesn't help in any of this.<br />
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I've long wondered why this stuff is happening to me. A couple weeks ago I think I found what I was looking for. Community and challenge. It seems so bloody obvious! I'm a social creature, and one who craves having something to work toward. These are what make me enjoy life.<br />
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<b>Community</b><br />
Things done alone, or that'll never be seen by anyone, or that doesn't serve a group of people are things I often have trouble staying motivated on. What's the point of them, if they're only going to be seen by me? If there's no use for it? It's just a waste of time.<br />
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This is particularly evident in my choice of games. I've found it's so much more fun when I'm part of a gaming community. Having others who can see what I'm doing in the game, or being part of a team, that sort of stuff. I remember I used to play a Facebook app called <i>Starfleet Commander</i>, where I was part of an alliance. Interacting with people was part of why I played that game almost daily for a year or two. I also used to play <i>NationStates</i>. It was fun enough pretending to lead a country and see what kind of government my opinions would form. I was also an active member of a region, the in-game name for an alliance. Eventually I ended up being part of a region's government. If I were just logging in once every couple days to do a quick task or so, I would have gotten bored very quickly.<br />
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This need for community explains why a couple things I'm doing right now are succeeding. First off, I'm taking part in NaNoWriMo this year. I'm part of a community, specifically the NaNoWriMo forums. Talking with other people about plotting and reaching 50,000 words is exciting and motivating. I'll probably reach the word count goal this year, too. Normally I can't get very much of a story written down. Oh sure I'll get a basic plot and maybe a few thousand words but somehow I end up being distracted and disinterested. It's the presence of a large community that draws me to it and makes me want to keep going.<br />
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Second, as I've mentioned here and there, I'm a volunteer soundboard operator/radio host for my church. Even though the task is easy, I enjoy it greatly. That's because I'm doing it not for my own sake, but for that of my church. It's something I'm doing for my community. I'm being useful not only for a group, but also an ideology that is important to me.<br />
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Socially speaking, I've been terribly lacking in community lately. It seems like I've drifted out of most of my friendships. Text messages are usually StraightTalk telling me I need to add more time to my phone. I get a bit of interaction on social networking sites, but not much in real life. This is hard to deal with. Even though I'm introverted, I'm still a human, and humans are social creatures.<br />
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<b>Challenge</b><br />
A few years ago I would have told you my ideal life is one where I had no challenge or problems. Where everything I wanted, I could get with minimal effort. I've come to realize I would despise that sort of life. I need to be on a mission. I need to have something to work toward. I need a goal to progress to. I'm a problem solver. I need challenge.<br />
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That's why programming is something I like so much. It's mental stimulation, figuring out how to get to the desired goal. There are programming projects I have attempted but never completed. It's a shame, really. They were the kind of challenge I need. Enough that I would learn something new, but not so much that I couldn't figure things out.<br />
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This is also why I'm doing NaNoWriMo. It gives you thirty days to write a 50,000 word novel. This is something I can sink my teeth into.<br />
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<b>What to Do</b><br />
So I guess, if I wanted to get these into my life more, the first thing I ought to do is get some more community in my life. The challenge part is around in ample supply; I simply need <i>people </i>to experience it with. For writing, programming, and gaming (and whatever else might catch my interest), this is simple enough - find online message boards or people I know in real life who are likewise into these things, and start going through things with them.<br />
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General social life, getting out of the habit of sitting in front of my computer alone all day, is significantly more difficult. Friendships are slowly made, but are often hard for me to maintain. I don't know why this is. What I need to find, I suppose, are people who are equally willing to stay in touch. Or more willing, as the case may be. That's especially challenging, perhaps more challenge than I can take on, because I don't live somewhere that is known for its young adult social scene. To be terribly honest, I'm not sure how to tackle this issue.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-27502429510038807222014-10-01T17:56:00.001-05:002014-10-01T17:56:53.335-05:00Projects October 2014Here's what I have going on for the month of October.<br />
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<b>Web development:</b> Been inactive in this area, don't really see myself jumping back into it any time soon.<br />
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<b>Writing:</b> The story from 2009, presently titled <i>Failed Hero</i>, has gone through its first round of editing. I made it sound a little less preachy. I want to lengthen it somehow, but that will have to wait for a month or two.<br />
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I spent much of September contemplating and writing another story that I've titled <i>First</i>. I see a lot of potential in this one.<br />
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Now I'm beginning to plan out my NaNoWriMo novel, which doesn't have a name yet. The premise is basically this: two years after a global pandemic killed off all adults, much of the western United States has come under a loose organization called the Order of Friendship, which is trying to restore public utilities and social order. About 1 in 200 people have developed an effect called the red eye, where under fight-or-flight situations their irises turn red and they increase in physical strength, speed, endurance, and the like. One of the people with this effect is part of a sort of special operations group in the Order of Friendship's militia. After her boyfriend dies in battle (I really don't want this to be the only reason, I more want this to be the event that pushes her over the line) she defects and starts opposing the Order. I still need to figure out the rest of the plot.<br />
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<b>Minecraft and Gaming:</b> There were a few weeks when I was playing this almost daily, building some of the fresh ideas I had. But now I'm really burned out on the game. I haven't seriously played it in a couple weeks.<br />
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Instead I've been dabbling with <i>Freeciv</i>, a browser turn-based strategy game. I like strategy games but I don't have the quick wits for real-time strategy. I also found a Facebook app, <i>Game of Thrones: Ascents</i>, which I kind of like. It's simple enough in terms of mechanics.<br />
<br />
Honestly, I'm just looking for something fun. I'm big on strategy, logic, and puzzle games. I am getting tired of combat games, and ones which require you build up your little down and go through an unnecessarily long tech tree before you can actually do anything. I just want to play already!<br />
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<b>Freelancing:</b> Made a little bit of progress here. Right now I'm not active with it, and I'm not sure I will be any time soon.<br />
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<b>Exercise:</b> Work is my main form of exercise. I weighed myself last night and I'm down to 187. I finished the summer of 2013 (last year) at 185, so eventually I'm going to start making some record lows. I don't plan on doing much in this realm, but if things go right I'll keep losing weight.<br />
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<b>Religious activity:</b> So far the position as soundboard operator/radio host is going well. It's really not a terribly demanding task.<br />
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<b>Reading:</b> Finished <i>A Clash of Kings</i> last month, so now I'm reading <i>A Storm of Swords</i>. I'm currently about half way through it. I timed myself, and I seem to read about 20 pages per hour, so that's the goal I put on myself per day. I'm going through George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series.<br />
<br />Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-28002591772721958432014-09-06T18:23:00.000-05:002014-09-06T18:23:49.601-05:00Projects September 2014I can't freaking believe it's September already. Here are miscellaneous projects and stuff I'm doing in my free time.<br />
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<b>Web development: </b>Redesigning my website. What I need to do right now is come up with a good theme, either by finding it or making it myself. So far I've been having technical issues with that.<br />
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<b>Writing: </b>A few things going on.<br />
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First, I've finished editing a story I wrote in 2009, and am looking for ways to push the word count to 50,000. That's considered the minimum word count for a novel and I've never actually written a novel before. Once it's done, I don't know, I might make it an eBook?<br />
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Second, I have committed to doing NaNoWriMo this year. That's right, I'm going to take the challenge finally. I have a skeleton for the plot figured out, and some scenes in my head. I will flesh it out next month.<br />
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Third, I'm going to try and get a short story published at <a href="http://www.strangehorizons.com/">Strange Horizons</a>. It's right up my alley, and I think it would be cool to see my work in a public medium.<br />
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<b>Minecraft: </b>I have a bunch of concurrent projects here, which makes things fun. I have a castle in progress, a redstone-powered underground base, and a couple other things going on.<br />
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<b>Freelancing: </b>Not much been going on here. Really should try to get back into this. The main problem is time and energy. I have so much I want to do, but working a factory job expends most of my energy.<br />
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<b>Exercise: </b>Been slacking on this. I currently stand somewhere around 193-195 pounds and have been there for a few months.<br />
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<b>Religious activity: </b>The devotional I've been reading has grown boring. It doesn't really have any theological meat in it. I need something that stimulates my brain more. Haven't taken much time to read the Bible. There are a few books I've read several times now, it's hard to motivate myself to go through them <i>again</i>. A few months ago I started reading <i>The Defense of the Augsburg Confession </i>since I'm trying to get deeper into Lutheran theology. The archaic language makes it a dry and difficult read.<br />
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On the plus side, I've started doing the sound board and radio broadcast for my church. I'll probably handle it for a couple more Sundays, then go on a rotation with the two others who do it. So about every third week I'll be in the church balcony, and the other Sundays I'll be in the pews.<br />
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<b>Reading: </b>Almost done with <i>A Clash of Kings</i>, then will start <i>A Storm of Swords</i>. I'm going through George R. R. Martin's <i>A Song of Ice and Fire</i> series.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-48717919583726123172014-08-04T20:12:00.001-05:002014-08-04T20:12:28.200-05:00Growing Up<b>Twenty-Three</b><br />
With the exception of my 21st birthday, I've made a post on here to remember each birthday since I started this blog. My God how I have changed over the last four years alone. This past Sunday was my 23rd birthday.<br />
<br />
If 22 didn't feel significant, 23 does. At 18 you're legally an adult. At 21, you're able to drink. At 22 you're generally the age where people graduate from college. 23 feels like the transition from adolescent to adult. At this point, I can't help but feel the excuse of youth no longer applies to me. People are lenient on those who are young, because they probably don't understand how the world works. 23 is still kind of young, but not like 21 or 22.<br />
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When I hear 23 I think of someone who is done or close to done with the training that is high school, college, and those messy relationships where nobody actually knows what they're doing. It sounds like someone getting themselves firmly planted in life.<br />
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<b>Now Is My Time</b><br />
Now's my time. I will still have family and close friends to rely on, but the world isn't going to baby me anymore. All my life I was pushed in one direction, encouraged in another. That stops at this point. It's no longer expected that I'm going to screw up. It's expected that I'm going to do things right.<br />
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In a way, 23 is a scary age, because it's one of change. It's the point where I'm removed from the coddling of youth and placed in the realm of adulthood where I'm expected to pull my weight or drown in the current. Those supportive institutions I could fall on before? Yeah, those are for a certain age range and I'm no longer in it.<br />
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But it's also a bit of an exciting age, because now it's up to me where my life goes, more or less. If I want to make progress in my hobbies, I need to be diligent to pursue those things. Nobody's going to do them for me. Nobody's going to go out of their way to make me better at them. It's up to me to find the resources and the people. The world isn't looking to make me happy or smart. The world is full of people just trying to keep themselves alive and somewhat content.<br />
<br />
<b>What Do I Want?</b><br />
If I'm going to set into motion making life into something I like, it has to start now. Indeed, on Sunday I began the process. The yearning for simplicity I've wanted for so long? I'm going for it. It's hard fighting things that are so deeply ingrained into my psyche as to almost be instinctual. But I'm not expecting perfection from myself right off the bat. I've gained some vision in the things I want to devote my energies in. I haven't (yet) jumped back on the weight loss bandwagon. I need to figure how how I'm gonna fit time into doing that. I wanted to find a way to serve my church, and in a few weeks' time I'll begin acting as one of the radio hosts for my church's Sunday broadcasts. I'm also going to (try) and become more intentional about dating and the like.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-18600151358839385612014-07-04T15:25:00.001-05:002014-07-04T15:25:56.560-05:00ExhaustedDoes anyone else get periods of time, ranging from days to weeks, where there is no motivation to do anything, at all? I have been experiencing such a thing for the past week or so.<br />
<br />
I think it's partially due to my job. I've finally landed a full time job, but it's factory work, so I'm on my feet for 8 hours straight. With it being summer in Kansas, the shift starts at 5 AM. This means I'm getting up stupidly early in the morning, and expending a lot of energy the entire time. (It is nice being home and showered by 2 PM, though.) This takes all the energy and motivation out of me. After I'm cleaned up I'll watch an episode of whatever sci-fi series I'm going through (currently <i>Star Trek: Enterprise</i>) and read for an hour. After that, I don't really do anything.<br />
<br />
I don't know, I guess nothing catches my fancy anymore. There has always been something that interested me. But it seems like that's all gone. I feel like I've basically done all I want to do in Minecraft. Although I've wanted to get into Android development, the software needed to do so has fought me every step. Eclipse is a frustrating piece of software. I'm at the point in my web development knowledge that I don't have anymore challenges to tackle. More powerful languages like Java, C#, and so on are already familiar enough to me that I haven't much more to learn.<br />
<br />
Taking in as much film and book as I have recently has given me a little boost in writing. New ideas keep popping in my head. I almost wonder if this is something I could channel my energy in. But I can't push myself to get some stuff figured out. I'm exhausted.<br />
<br />
Oh, and there are some odds and ends. I briefly had an infatuation with <i>Age of Empires</i>, but that has since passed. I started a blog for learning how to do a math course I'm not too good at. Haven't touched it in over a month. And a couple other miscellaneous blogs.<br />
<br />
Work has sapped much of my energy, although I think it's still there. I need something to channel it, though. There are two things I feel would help me. First, I could benefit from finding something practical to do with my skills. I know how to code well enough, but what good is that knowledge if I'm not using it? If nobody is seeing or running the stuff I write? At the moment I just don't have any use for that skill. Or consider writing. I write for the sake of writing sometimes, but it's kind of pointless to me right now. I could try to find an online magazine or something which takes submissions, and write with the intent of being published. The stuff I'm writing isn't being seen by anyone. It's not being published anywhere. There's not much use for it.<br />
<br />
Second, it could be time to plain try something new. I was going to do this with Android development, but technical issues got in the way. Trying new things helps me get out of the rut of being exhausted and burned out. I've found it often jump starts my creative and mental energies. What might I try? I could start a vlog. I never do get much privacy, though, and that kind of thing would need to be done with some privacy. I've mentioned my interest in learning history, so that's an option. Or maybe something else. It's not terribly clear to me where I should go from here.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-78765947865866234142014-06-25T15:34:00.000-05:002014-06-25T19:30:52.228-05:00I Don't Want it Bad Enough(Edit: friend and fellow blogger Simon <a href="http://savesimon.com/dont-want-it-bad-enough-shawn/">wrote a post</a> responding to this one, suggesting that what I lack is not desire, but determination.)<br />
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There are a lot of incompleted and failed projects in my life. For all the impressive things I have done, countless others have fallen by the wayside. I come up with all these plans and thoughts and stuff, but ultimately nothing comes out of it. Why? I think it's simply because <b>I don't want it bad enough.</b><br />
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I've always been told that if I came up with smart goals, planned stuff out, and worked at things a little bit every day, I could accomplish anything. It sounds nice, it sounds true, but I'm beginning to think it isn't. There's another element involved, one that you can't pencil in: desire.</div>
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I'm very good at planning, scheduling, coming up with to-do lists and short term goals. I do it a lot in my free time. But the weird part is, most of the things I plan to do, never get done. There are so many things I want to do:</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>I want to finish my coding projects on my website.</li>
<li>I want to become a published novelist.</li>
<li>I want a short story to be published in a magazine of some kind.</li>
<li>I want to become a successful freelancer.</li>
<li>I want to learn about church history and the Roman Empire, post-Julius Caesar.</li>
<li>I want to build awesome things in Minecraft.</li>
<li>Etc...</li>
</ul>
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To accomplish these things I've gone through my usual routine of planning and goal-setting. But this has mostly failed. All because while they interested me and seemed cool, once I got into the details of making them happen, I discovered I didn't want it <i>that much</i>. Indeed I could say that about so many things. <b>I like it, I want it, but not bad enough.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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Perhaps this is the cause of so much frustration. I set up a plan to do something and give up after a few days or weeks. I take all the steps to be successful. Yet in the end, my heart just isn't in it. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I don't give much attention to my emotions. Maybe this is one of those times I should. If I don't <i>really</i> want to do something, then I won't if I don't need to. I'm proud of my ability to be productive. When nothing is terribly interesting to me, I can't be productive. Hence the frustration.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I'm not sure there's anything I can do about this. I can't stir interest in something that doesn't interest me. I can't make myself love anything. At least, not in any way I know. It's just one of those things I need to learn to work with. Be nicer to myself when I'm not putting every minute of my time to good use. Realize that sitting on the computer is OK, because it's not like I can bring myself to do anything meaningful anyway.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-7026102869277933032014-06-24T20:14:00.003-05:002014-06-24T20:14:47.480-05:00Check-In #19<br />
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Starting weight: 205 lbs.</div>
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Last week's weight: 198 lbs.</div>
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This week's weight: 198 lbs.</div>
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This is annoying and discouraging. It doesn't make sense. My job is basically manual labor, and comparatively speaking I just don't eat a lot. I know it's possible to plateau, and maybe I'm hitting one right now. Oh well, here's to next week.</div>
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<br /></div>
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7 pounds down. 58 left.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-75389246776891872192014-06-17T20:34:00.000-05:002014-06-17T20:34:11.691-05:00Check-In #18<br />
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Starting weight: 205 lbs.</div>
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Last week's weight: 197 lbs.</div>
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This week's weight: 198 lbs.</div>
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First setback week since I began. I guess the combination of a sedentary lifestyle plus a few bits of fast food caught up to me finally. That's alright. I recently began a new job, one which is physical on an excruciating level. Assuming I survive it, I'll probably lose weight more rapidly.</div>
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7 pounds down. 58 left.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-82964780723687551352014-06-10T20:39:00.000-05:002014-06-10T20:39:10.805-05:00Check-In #17: Just... What?<br />
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Starting weight: 205 lbs.</div>
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Last week's weight: 198 lbs.</div>
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This week's weight: 197 lbs.</div>
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I... I can't explain how this happened. After all the dietary and lifestyle choices I made this week, I still lost weight?</div>
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<i>HOW?!</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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This week was filled with its share of ice cream, chocolate, and pizza. I didn't really exercise or move around much. The most motion I had was at work. Since it's a fairly physical job, maybe that's how I balanced an otherwise terrible diet. I don't know. I'm flabbergasted, I'm at a loss of words. But I won't complain. I'm just glad I lost weight. Here's to next week having wiser decisions.</div>
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8 pounds down. 57 left.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-28406726690079472442014-06-03T22:06:00.002-05:002014-06-03T22:06:59.902-05:00Check-In #16Starting weight: 205 lbs.<div>
Last week's weight: 203 lbs.</div>
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This week's weight: 198 lbs.</div>
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I have no idea how I managed it, but I lost 5 pounds this week. It's weird because I didn't change my habits in any significant way. In fact I had ice cream cake and chocolate. Yet I saw a good result this week. I don't know if this is going to keep up. It might be a fluke. I might gain weight by next week. But for now, I'll take what I can get.</div>
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7 pounds down. 58 to go.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-40507881790946572952014-05-27T20:50:00.000-05:002014-05-27T20:50:16.470-05:00Check-In #15Starting weight/last week's weight: 205 lbs<br />
This week's weight: 203 lbs<br />
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That really kind of surprised me. I've been keeping track of my weight all week. For most of it, there was almost no change. At one point I was <i>up</i> one pound. So coming in with two pounds down is a pleasant surprise.<br />
<br />
I did a lot of moving around this past week. I think I used the home treadmill three times, each for an hour. There was also plenty of walking around town, usually about an hour's worth. I haven't really done sit ups or push ups, and I'd like to include those in my daily routines.<br />
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Last time I started losing weight, I dropped 5 pounds in the course of a week. I think I'm not seeing that again because the dramatic weight loss happened mostly before I weighed myself last week. There was almost a week between returning home and doing that weigh-in. But that's alright. Any loss is better than nothing. It'd be really cool if I could continue the 2 pound per week loss rate.<br />
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Two pounds down, 63 to go.<br />
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<br />Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-38556454611401784292014-05-20T20:37:00.001-05:002014-05-20T20:37:38.474-05:00Check-In #14: Weight Loss, Season 2Approximately one year ago I decided it was time to lose weight. I got on the scale and gave myself the official starting number of 205 pounds. Thirteen weeks later, on August 23, I reported a final weight of 185 pounds.<br />
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Between then and now, I think my weight has fluctuated a bit. College returned and a combination of lots of food and not so much exercise probably made my weight increase. For a couple months I had a biweekly exercise routine where I spent a half hour on an elliptical trainer, as well as doing some other exercises. Now I have returned home and am ready to start weight loss again.<br />
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To be totally honest, I was scared to look at my weight. It was partially due to shame. Shame that I had let myself put on weight again. As school got more difficult on me I stopped exercising and kept eating. That's just one of many ways I've failed myself and others this school year. Now things are different. I'm home for the summer and most likely the rest of the school year. It's time to begin the weight loss regiment once again.<br />
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Starting weight: 205 pounds.<br />
Goal weight: 140 pounds.<br />
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How amazing is it that I end up at the exact same weight as when I started last time? It's so bizarre, almost comical. Things have gone full circle. I'm back to my goal of dropping 65 pounds.<br />
<br />
This time, I have a plan for my exercise routine. Each day will have an hour on the treadmill my family has bought since last summer. If I'm out and about walking around town and it's an hour, I'll count that for the exercise. I'm also going to include daily sets of push-ups and sit-ups, which will increase with time. My caloric intake will be lower at home than at college. After all, at K-State food is provided in buffet style. Obviously, a single household can't do that.<br />
<br />
It's time to get started. I'll post my weight every Tuesday evening, basically picking up where I left off with my thirteenth check-in. 65 pounds to go.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-21333810863209318042014-04-05T16:15:00.000-05:002014-04-05T16:15:45.943-05:00Divergent(Warning: There be spoilers here!)<br />
<br />
A couple weeks ago I watched <i>Divergent</i> with a couple friends, and it was a really good movie. I want to write down my thoughts and opinions on the film because I found it really fun to watch and it touched on a really personal level.<br />
<br />
The movie is set in a dystopic future where apparently there was some kind of huge, possibly global, war. A century after the war a system was set up where people were divided into five groups based on personality. You have the selfless Abegnation; the warrior Dauntless; the scientific Erudites; the brutally honest Candor; and the loving artistic Amity. They live in Chicago which looks run down but is actually quite lively. Surrounding the city is a huge lookout wall that Dauntless use to be on the lookout for war-affected mutated humans. There are also people that are factionless. They are sort of the homeless of the world, and are cared for by the Abegnation.<br />
<br />
The main character is Beatrice, who later takes on the name Tris. She is from the Abegnation. During the scan which sees which faction she's best suited for, it's found she is a Divergent. These are people who don't think like normal people and thus don't neatly fit into the system which the humans founded a century back. I almost wondered if perhaps this equated to Asperger's or some such, but she was not portrayed as having any social or cognitive issues. On the day she is to choose what faction she will be in, Beatrice picks Dauntless, since she admired them.<br />
<br />
Dauntless are nothing short of amazing, and honestly I feel her amazement at the faction. They routinely climb stuff and jump out of trains. The process by which they become inititated into the faction involves a lot of rigorous physical training and plenty of fighting. At first, Tris (the name she gives herself in Dauntless) is one of the weaker members. But she persists in her training and, while she doesn't become cream of the crop, she does mostly avoid being kicked out.<br />
<br />
In her training there is a process where one faces their fears in a hallucination. It's an interesting experiment and something that touches personally to me. Over the course of the movie she finds that the Erudite want to take control of society away from the Abegnation. She also has to hide the fact she is a Divergent since such people are killed. One of her mentors, and later love interest, is also a secret Divergent. When the rest of the Dauntless are drugged into being a sort of mindless army, the two of them lead a mission to stop the Abegnation from being genocidally murdered by Erudite leadership. They do succeed, of course, but at the expense of essentially becoming outcasts from their society, since they had killed leaders and basically caused untold disruption to society.<br />
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There are a few things that stand out to me in this movie. First, it seems to be a monomyth aka Hero's Journey, film. But this time, the main character is a female. She isn't a terribly attractive person, but that gives the movie brownie points in my eyes. There are enough shows and films with hot actresses; let's give it a rest. She starts off as being a sweet Abegnation girl who doesn't have much in terms of physical strength or mental sharpness. Her dogged determination, as well as exposure to life-threatening situations, gradually turns her into a person who is strong in every way she was previously lacking. Seeing her go from her original state to warrior-like, able to handle the futuristic gun that is the Dauntless weapon of choice, as well as being very clever and brave, is really awesome. There was one scene where her mother is killed, and the stoicism she developed during the movie is temporarily lost; the actress is able to portray deeply seated sadness with facial expressions that are extremely accurate and touching.<br />
<br />
One of the things I wish were different about myself were my physical and mental hardness. Physically, I'm not someone who is capable of much. I don't have outstanding strength, or speed, or really anything. My pain threshold is low enough that I would be useless in a fight. Being a guy, I have that sort of warrior drive to be able to protect, provide, and hold my own in situations where strength and ability to defend myself are important. Unfortunately I've never been one to have that ability. Mentally, I don't see myself as an exceptionally brave person. My religious beliefs are sometimes unpopular and people might think I'm "brave" for holding to them in the face of opposition, but that's not really the bravery I'd like. I'd like the bravery to stand up to someone even at the risk - especially at the risk - of a physical altercation. So seeing someone like me, a physically uncommanding and uncourageous person, go from this state to being bold and competent is appealing. I sort of lived vicariously through Trice's story, I guess.<br />
<br />
The Dauntless have this axiom, "never give up." This is seen in a situation where one of the characters hangs on to a railing for dear life, as she was over a deadly drop. She held on until she couldn't anymore, and then at the last moment the mentor let her fellow newcomers to Dauntless rescue her. The lesson was to not give up no matter the costs. I find that exceptionally admirable and I'm almost envious of the ability to have that sort of tenacity. I'm not someone who is good at keeping it up when everything seems impossible, much less fatal.<br />
<br />
Visually the movie was very fun to watch. I'm a sucker for eye candy and the movie delivered on that.<br />
<br />
I was fascinated by the idea of a society divided by personality type. I'm interested by the idea that people have personality types which can be neatly divided into groups. Which is why I like things such as MBTI, Kiersey temperaments, enneagrams, and so on. I wondered to myself what faction I would likely belong to. All things considered I'm most likely a mix of Candor and Edrudite. I can sort of see MBTI parallels in the factions: Erudite screams of NT, Dauntless is SP, Amity is probably NF. Abegnation seems more SFJ, while the lawyer-like nature of Candor gives an STJ vibe.<br />
<br />
One of the things I don't like is the eventual inclusion of a romance storyline. Tris eventually falls for Four, one of her mentors. If you ask me it just comes out of nowhere. They have a moment alone with each other, a few words are exchanged... and bam, they're kissing. Oh and there was quite likely implied sex... because when doesn't that happen in a modern young adult film. I don't like love plots anywhere. But given the nature of the rest of the film, I guess it was a bit of a necessary evil to drive the story further. Now, Four has a tattoo on his back of the logos of all five factions. This was a glaringly obvious hint that he was also a Divergent. I got the feeling he was a Divergent earlier in the film by the way he interacted with Tris. Had he not been one, he would have reported the girl as soon as he found out.<br />
<br />
The ending was also kind of weak. It ends with Tris narrating how now they had nowhere to go, and were on a train to wherever they would hide out. It sounded all hopeful and stuff. But to me it was just sort of bleh. There surely had to be better, stronger ways to finish off the movie. If nothing else, it leave a large opening for a sequel.<br />
<br />
Kind of cliche, but the girl's father is a major figure in the city's government. I guess some sort of relevance needed to be established for her.<br />
<br />
Overall, it was a very pleasant thing to watch. It's actually an adaptation of a book, which is in trilogy form. I've been wanting to get back into reading books. And I've always been a lover of sci fi. This seems like a really good trilogy to pick up on. I would like to find a paper copy of the book instead of an ebook or PDF. But it's for sure something I would like to read. The movie is inspirational for me, in a way. It's like how fairy tales we tell kids can move and motivate them. I connected with the main character strongly. It motivates me to press on and go hard in what I want to do, because if I have the dogged determination for it, I can accomplish a lot. The movie also sparked sort of my testosterone-led, warrior side. I would really like to find a way to explore that side of me more.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-24000672361595389532014-02-12T19:57:00.002-06:002014-02-12T19:57:39.242-06:00Living LifeI don't know what sparked it in me. Maybe it was the lack of anything to do in my hometown. Maybe it was the usually quiet atmosphere of my home. The desire to do something big with my life, in a setting where nothing big ever really happens. But over the last year, and especially the past six months, I've had a yearning like nothing else to finish learning how to survive in this world, leave the family home for a residence of my own, and start living life.<br />
<br />
These days I have what feels like an insatiable urge in me. There'd been a nagging desire in me to start moving from the padded, structured, and limited path that school and family had led me through. Moving from that to the adventure that is life outside of college and the parents' house. A life where I create the means to pursue my desires and go where God takes me. Over the past Thanksgiving break, it all really struck me in one emotional moment. I thought to myself, <i>"this isn't home anymore. My home is out there, in the world."</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I want to start living life. This might seem strange. I'm breathing, doing vaguely interesting things (though I perceive myself as having a really boring life), occasionally talking to people, etc. But I can't help but feel like I'm not actually <i>living.</i> Living to me, is things like this: finishing college; getting a stable job; moving into an apartment by myself or with other guys; finding someone to love; working with my church to hold Bible studies; buying my own groceries; deciding things for myself; and so on. Not a lot of these are really feasible while I'm at college, or at home with my parents in a 10,000 population town. I feel like I'm currently in waiting. Sure I'm at college, but still it feels like I'm not really doing anything here. I want to apply what I know. I want to blaze my path. Sometimes it emotionally hurts because I feel so ready to get going but I'm held back like this.<br />
<br />
That said. To some degree I am beginning to experience these things. And I'm not entirely sure I'm doing it very well. I have a job. I have responsibilities due to class. Heck, I have bills. Lack of motivation too easy stops me from getting things done. The temptation to veg out in front of the computer is there, and it's easy to fall for until the last minute. I realize that making my way into the post-college world is going to have its share of challenges. But I'm not even experiencing half the problems that I'll have in a few years' time, and already I feel overwhelmed and unable to meet the challenges. Maybe I'll just get more mature over time, after I've made a few mistakes and had to deal with their consequences.<br />
<br />
It's instinctual for me to try and do everything alone. For some reason beyond me, I just don't like doing things with other people. I want to work alone. Maybe it's a matter of being independent, or having total control over what's happening. That's something I really, really need to work on. <i>Life isn't meant to be done independently.</i> I mean for Pete's sake, I hope to be married someday. That kind of requires team work! The knowledge and experience of others is immensely beneficial to everyone. Asking people smarter than me for help could be so useful. If only I could overcome the natural tendencies to do the opposite.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-45549394031492416442014-02-01T18:50:00.000-06:002014-02-01T18:50:49.897-06:00TNG Episodes Aired around My BirthdayI thought this was interesting and worth posting. My birthday is in August. I recently came across the original air dates for episodes of <i>Star Trek: The Next Generation</i>, which happens to be my favorite TV series.<br />
<br />
The episode that aired closest to my birthday was the cliffhanger finale of season four, "Redemption, Part I." It was the 100th episode of the series and the beginning of an excellent storyline that would continue into part 2, at the start of the series's fifth season. So about the time I was born, the storyline of the Klingon civil war and Picard's involvement was unfolding.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-10429729348584638962014-01-25T14:01:00.003-06:002014-01-25T14:01:59.299-06:00Opening UpA month or so ago I posted about trying to be more sociable with those around me. At the time I didn't have the habits needed to really open communication with anyone. The result was me generally being fairly alone.<br />
<br />
That post was made during my college's winter break. Back home there aren't many opportunities for me to socialize. Not much to do, and there aren't very many people in my demographic there. The campus itself is where most of the work has happened. And have things happened.<br />
<br />
My methods have been pretty simple. Say hello to people I know as I pass them if situation permits. I don't greet everyone, all the time, though. Part of me doesn't see the need for that - it'd be kind of unnatural, I feel - and another part is simple anxiety. I also use stock questions appropriate to the setting to break the ice. Normally it doesn't lead to much conversation. That's OK, I don't think it normally does.<br />
<br />
Instead of going into a lot of detail or theory, I'll just mention a few things that stick out in my mind as successes in my attempts to be a little more, you know, human.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Classes require me to be up at 7 AM. One morning I was at breakfast around 7:30 and a floormate who also had an early class ended up sitting next to me. In a fairly empty dining hall, no less. Normally that would have become an awkward situation - at least for me. I decided to try what I've been attempting to learn. In my mind, the most obvious thing to note and ask about was the early time of the day. I asked her what had her up so early. The floormate answered, and a few minutes later asked why I was up at that time as well. It was only a few sentences, but it was more sentences than I would have said and heard a semester ago.</li>
<li>At my campus ministry there's a part where people are encouraged to meet someone they don't know. Usually we're given a game to play or a question to ask the person. Typically I don't get involved in this, as I'm not really one for meeting new people. This time around, though, I went to give it a shot. I was going to look for someone on the other side of the room, but a guy sitting a couple chairs away from me approached me. The ice breaker question we were given didn't lead to much conversation. So I improvised and started asking stuff you hear a lot on campus - hometown, major, school year, and religious background since it's a Christian ministry. I unexpectedly made a comment that made us both crack up. In the end, the conversation would have gone longer than the time we had to chit chat - and I was the one leading the conversation!</li>
<li>To get to the college I had to stop at a friend's place so I could ride with him to the campus. On that particular day several of his family members were over for lunch. Normally I would keep to myself and not really talk unless someone asked me something. I won't say I was a charismatic charmer, but I was a little more out of my shell than usual with it.</li>
<li>Generally I'm learning how to say hi to people more. That's a pretty useful way of opening communications.</li>
</ul>
<div>
In addition to the stuff that's progressing now, there are a couple things I also want to focus on. Something I've observed with the people on my floor is how there are these sort of cliques. Groups of people who seem to hang out with each other all day, every day. As it stands, I don't really have a clique. That's how I've always been. Instead I tend to float between groups, forming friendships with one or two members, but otherwise just going off on my own most of the time. What I would like to do is find a clique of my own to hang to. One which has both genders. Usually I'm surrounded only by guys, or only by girls. This is nice, but I don't think it's optimal.</div>
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A question I don't ask much, and would like to start asking more, is "How are you?" or some variant thereof. It seems to be a pretty common thing, and I think it would work well as a topic starter.</div>
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Then there's the ol' awkward elevator silence. I don't know if that's worth fixing or not. Elevators are usually quiet, kinda awkward anyway. It's not like I'm messing something up.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-2580380941379391042014-01-14T17:11:00.000-06:002014-01-14T17:11:14.264-06:00[TOU] Concerned about College<i>This is the third post in a little post series I've come up with called "The Overworked Undergrad."</i><div>
<br />
In a few days I'll be heading back to college for my fourth semester at K-State. I'm excited to be heading back, to learn more and meet up with friends I made there. But I'm also kinda freaked out about what lies ahead. A lot of it isn't exactly ideal.<br />
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<b>Burn Out</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Last semester was a a fluke academically. My grades were mostly C's. This coming from a person who typically got A's and B's in prior classes. The problem was that I simply burned out. A couple of the classes were hard for me and it took its toll emotionally. I got help for it during the last month or so of classes and learned a lot of valuable things.<br />
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I've recovered from the burnout, but I've not forgotten it. I'm worried that I'll go through it again. College is tough. Tougher than anything I've ever gone through before. I do have a bit of a plan, but I don't know if it's enough. My preparation might not be sufficient. I might still get halfway through the semester and start screwing up because of the pressure.<br />
<br />
Ideas:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>More thoroughly plan things out, and stick to that. I was doing well in this regard last semester until I underestimated the size of some projects. Those really messed me up for the rest of the semester.</li>
<li>Build a support system. I'll go more into detail about this later. I think it's possibly the biggest need I have right now.</li>
<li>Reward myself! When I finish a big job or do well on an assignment, treat myself to something.</li>
<li>Have "me" things to do. Stuff that can be done recreationally.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<b>Early Bird</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Due to some scheduling mishaps, I'm gonna have three 7:30 AM classes a week. This is a big source of concern for me. Yes I'm a morning person. Still, this is too early for me. My first semester at K-State there was a 7:30 lab I had to be in. That royally and unequivocally <i>sucked</i>. I did enjoy the feeling of being up when it finished at 9:20 AM.</div>
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This time around it's a one hour lecture, and not a two hour lab. So in that regard I might not be as fatigued by it. The class is located about ten minutes away from my dorm. To handle this early class I might just wake up at 7:00 AM, get my stuff ready, and head out. If there are any floormates or friends that are taking the class as well, I could walk there with them. Having someone to share the fatigue of an early morning helps.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Now Hiring</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Finances are a bit tight again this semester. Last semester I didn't understand how the payment system worked. I narrowly avoided getting into some serious issues. I don't want to make that mistake again. To remedy this situation, I need a job.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is a source of possible stress for me. For one I have no guarantee I will be hired by anyone, anywhere. There are multiple job openings, without a doubt, but am I qualified for any of them? Can I fit any of them into my schedule? I want to be quick and decisive in choosing where I want to work.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There are three choices I have right now. First is as a web developer for the website. I applied to that a couple times but thus far have not been hired. Second is at an on-campus convenience store. There are (I think) three locations on campus that I could apply for. I don't mind working late nights at the branch next to my dorm. But if I end up working for one further away, I wouldn't really feel safe walking alone at 1 AM. I would also be very tired. My third option, again, is Varsity Donuts. A bit of a walk, probably wouldn't want to work nights. But it's also a relaxed vintage environment. Just the thing for me.</div>
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<div>
<b>Hi There!</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
As I mentioned in my previous blog post, another thing I'm working on is being more sociable. I did a good job at making very few friends last semester. It's bit me in the butt severely. This semester I know I can and will do better. Because I've already talk about this, I won't dig any deeper into the topic.</div>
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<b>Support Network</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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This is probably the biggest thing I need to work on. I have spent all of my life generally doing things solo. While I can do a lot of things alone, I can't do them all by myself. That's not a healthy expectation to put on myself. Having people to help me out is very necessary to get by in college and life. I don't think acting as a lone ranger is normally how people succeed in life.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The main purposes of a support network are having people who can help me solve problems, and hold me accountable to do what I need. Oftentimes there's fact finding that needs to be done, but I don't have the time or knowledge to find it. Instead of being left in the dust I can turn to people more knowledgeable than me. This might be something as simple as asking a friend for help with schoolwork, or seeking a tutor. I did these a little more toward the end of last semester. It's not something I totally like, but it's much better than the frustration coming with the alternative. Or it could be people I can feel comfortable talking to when under stress or worry.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Having people to hold me accountable is important. I don't like making big or uncomfortable decisions. I procrastinate on them. I tend to hope they'll work themselves out. But they don't always do. I've realized sometimes I just need a swift kick in the butt to get into action. That kick is having a group of people who I can tell, "Remind me to do X" or "Make sure I get Y done by such-and-such a time." Again, it's a bit uncomfortable to put myself in this kind of position. I think I can adjust to it, though, and ultimately it'll make life easier for me.</div>
</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-37807752299337477362013-12-17T14:04:00.000-06:002013-12-17T14:04:13.816-06:00Tactical SocializationThis semester hasn't been the most successful for me. Part way through I experienced some heavy burnout that really set me back academically. Even now I'm still feeling the consequences of it. One of my biggest failures, I think, has been socially. I've done a really good job at keeping people at arm's length or further, and I'm starting to rethink whether it actually was so good an idea.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Gah, People!</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I've always been a loner. My circle of friends has never really been that big. People tended to go in and out of it as life circumstances demanded. I never really preferred team projects, but if I did find myself in one I usually took the leadership position. It did the job.<br />
<br />
Although I didn't know about the word until my teen years, I'd easily be classified as an <i>introvert</i>. There's a difference between intoversion and shyness. Introverts don't talk much because it expends energy. Shy people don't talk much because of fear, anxiety, or something else. I have the double whammy of being shy <i>and</i> introverted.<br />
<br />
One of the main things I've noticed about how I socialize is how I dislike small talk. It occurred to me a few years back how useless it seems to be. How often do you hear a conversation go "Hi!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "Good." "That's good." What's the point of that? That little exchange goes nowhere, does nothing. I would rather get to the meat of the conversation. If you have anything important or meaningful to say, go ahead and say it. I don't see such social niceties as worthwhile.<br />
<br />
I've also taken issue with the "stock questions" you hear around a college campus at the start of a new school year, or at other significant times of the year. You probably know what I'm talking about:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Where's your hometown?</li>
<li>What's your major?</li>
<li>What year are you?</li>
<li>How many final exams do you have?</li>
<li>What are your plans for break?</li>
<li>How was your break?</li>
</ul>
<div>
It bugs me to use and be asked these because I find them cliche. They're outright predictable. They're asked so often, and I repeat myself every time.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Basically, I abstained from these things. If people asked me them, I would answer as appropriate.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Not So Empty Chatter</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
I did not expect to have such big problems with this approach to socialization as I've gotten. Of the 100-odd students living on my floor in this dorm, only 20 were present last year. The rest are completely new faces. While people were trying to get to know each other early in the year, I basically stayed out of sight. Some of them I've become acquainted with. The rest only know me as the quiet, somewhat goofy, kinda grumpy dude that lives at the end of the hall. I feel like, by and large, I've missed out on a lot of important interaction with my peers. I don't even have a baseline acquaintance relationship with many, if not most, of them. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why do I think these non-existent relationships are important to have? Because I'm a social creature, just like anyone else is. If I don't have anyone physically present I can go to, then I'm in a lot of trouble because the social needs I have can't be met. These are needs everyone has. We fulfill them by talking with others, hanging out, and otherwise being physically present with fellow humans.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It dawned on me that small talk, which I long thought of as purposeless, is actually kinda useful. Those stock questions I avoided asking have a role. Split-second greetings while you pass someone in the hall does indeed do something. They open channels to making some kind of relationship with that person - be it friendship, simple acquaintances, business partners, co-workers, romantic partners, and so on.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The thing is, while those small exchanges themselves don't contribute much, they open the opportunity to lead to more communication. This is a really good thing for somebody like me who often finds himself feeling lonely.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<b>Tactical Socialization</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
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I call it tactical because the way I see it, there's a plan and a mission to it. There's things I need to do, want to accomplish, and there's a way to get them done.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What I'm looking to do is have a healthy social life, considering my naturally introverted nature. Despite being the "quiet guy," I can still have those baseline acquaintances with people around me. I've spent enough time going the opposite route, of generally avoiding talking to people, to know what's better for me. I do think the key, for now anyway, is getting used to making small talk with people. I've had more than enough instances of sitting awkwardly in silence by someone, because I didn't know what to say, or could not muster up the courage to speak.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I feel like I have what might be called a "social duty." Calling it a duty isn't really the right word, because nobody's requiring me to do it, but it's the best I can come up with. What I mean is that it's proper and beneficial to open those lines of communication with people around me, wherever I may find myself. I have that duty, that role, to carry out. I do it by saying hello as we pass each other in the hallway, or by using those stock questions during the right time of the semester. You engage the person, it creates that connection which helps a lot.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That's what I want to do. I want to try and say hello as I pass people in the dorm hall, in between classes, as I sit to eat and there's really not anyone else around, etc. I'd like to ask them what their plans for break are, how they feel about the exams they've had. Or just that vague old "How are you?" which can be used to start a chit chat or dismissed as a formality. I don't desire to push people to speak to me, or force a conversation. Starting conversations is hard for me; but once I'm in it, continuing and ending at the right time are more or less natural to me. That's what I'm going to aim to do more often.</div>
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I'm not really looking to become close friends with everybody I meet. First off, that's not in my nature. Even if I say hello to everyone, I'm still an introvert. I prefer to stick to a few close friends, rather than try to befriend everyone. I do want healthy social interaction, though. And who knows? Some, or even many, of those interactions can lead to friendships. I'm OK with that. Second, I know not everybody will want to be friends with me. I'm the calm, cool, collected, religious type. I tend not to get very emotional or rambunctious. A lot of people will find that off-putting. That's alright. If they don't desire friendship from me, it's their choice and I won't hold it against them.</div>
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On a religious note, this has evangelical benefits as well. The campus ministry I attend has an icebreaker event most nights before the message. I've usually kept out of those, but part of developing a better social life would include engaging in them. The Gospel is not spread by silence. It's spread by going up to a person and showing your godly character, speaking about Jesus where the opportunity arises. Once a person is a believer, having a community to go is vital for maintaining your faith. It helps to not feel alone, and eventually you could find someone to go to about spiritual problems and successes.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-27105498214012019492013-11-02T15:03:00.001-05:002013-11-02T15:03:25.540-05:00Exercise!Here's a quick update on my weight loss mission. I don't know what my weight is, as I don't know where I would find a scale. However I have still been taking measures to cut back. I'm trying to eat less, though it's questionable how well that's working. One of the main steps I've been taking is exercising more.<br />
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In the fitness room of my dorm building there's a device which I've just found is called an elliptical trainer. Basically it simulates walking up a flight of stairs. For the first week I was just doing normal walking on it, but I've started going more intense. The device has several settings for more intensive workouts. So here's my routine right now:<br />
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<li>About a minute of stretching arms and legs.</li>
<li>20 sit-ups</li>
<li>20 push-ups</li>
<li>20 jumping jacks</li>
<li>Using the elliptical trainer for 10-20 minutes.</li>
<li>30 repetitions of arm exercises with 15 pound weights.</li>
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The elliptical trainer as an aerobic setting which has a 20-minute workout of increasing and decreasing intensity. I've used this twice, and I've not yet been able to last the full 20 minutes. Perhaps next time I will be able to do better.</div>
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I don't know how much exercise is going to be enough, honestly. I shoot for a half hour, twice a week. Soon I hope to get some professional advice about this stuff. But just know I haven't given up yet!</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-14204466638599337452013-10-23T10:55:00.000-05:002013-10-23T10:55:00.863-05:00A Simpler LifeAs a computer science major in college, I deal with information a lot. My classes daily unload new knowledge into me, which I am expected to retain (at least until the final exam). Beyond that, I spend a lot of time on the computer, doing homework, playing games, or socializing online. Over the past few months I've started to feel a bit overwhelmed by all this information being pumped into my mind on a daily basis.<br />
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Part of me has begun longing for simpler times. It's a recurrence of a desire that's been in me for a while. Not too long ago I ran across a <a href="http://tv-signoffs.com/">website</a> that collects American TV sign-offs, which were played when a TV station shut down for the night. That's right, TV stations used to <i>shut down</i>. I don't remember them, but boy do they bring back nostalgia of simpler times, before information and the Internet dominated.<br />
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Another part of me thinks back to the Middle Ages. Back then, there weren't nearly as many possibilities and media as there is nowadays. Your collection of friends was limited to who was in your village. Long-distance friendships were probably maintained by sparse meetings. There weren't hundreds of different jobs you could take. And while I certainly wouldn't want to live in the Medieval times, there's something... quaint about the comparatively simple lifestyle they had. You worked, you dined with the family, and on Sundays the entire village gathered for Mass.<br />
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I've spent a lot of time musing on what it is that I desire. My thoughts have led me to a few things actually.<br />
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First, I miss the lack of information overload. You know how Facebook has that mini-feed in the upper right corner of the screen? It shows in real time what your friends are doing. Honestly it just clutters the screen with a distracting moving object. I hid it with the online friends list, and I've felt better about it since then. I still check once in a while but I'm not being spammed with information. Media is another big thing for me. I think the biggest problem is the Internet. There's so much information available that I take in on a daily basis. I don't think the mind is supposed to have so much dumped into it on a daily basis.<br />
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Because of all this, I have learned about so many systems of thought and ways of life that it's really caused some internal confusion. I feel like there are too many things that have my interest, too much I want to know about. Every time I learn about something, there becomes more I am curious about. Before the days of the Internet, we couldn't satisfy every curiosity that we had. Now we can. Perhaps my desire is to limit the information dumped into me. Stick to the things that interest me, and stay out of other stuff. To some this might seem to be a call to ignorance. Perhaps it is. Not trying to understand everything perfectly would lead to me - gasp - being <i>wrong</i> about things! Yet as I've seen, we humans are wrong about many things, and still we've survived.<br />
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The second thing is genuine friendships. It's so weird how I could be friends with someone who lives a thousand miles away, yet never say a word to my next door neighbor. Sites like Facebook and Twitter provide us all sorts of means of staying in touch. Yet it seems that people are more depressed and lonely than before. Why is that? I would wager it's because we've picked up a method of socializing that isn't natural to us. We're not built to have friendships with people on a screen or a text box. We're designed for person-to-person interaction. It's almost embarrassing how infrequently I see the people I consider my closest friends in real life. While a good, long chat on Facebook is satisfying for me, there's something quaint about hanging out with someone in real life and bantering.<br />
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Third, there is the matter of planning. I work best and feel the most at ease when I have things planned out and organized. It makes it easier to make decisions and get stuff done. One of the biggest blocks in my daily life is when I don't know what I should do next, or I don't know how to do something. This sort of ties in with my first point, where possibilities were more limited back in the day. It meant less distractions and (hopefully) somewhat clearer ideas of what one was going to do in the future. Back in the past if you needed help you would ask for it. That's something hard for me. I prefer to do stuff alone, figure it out with my own brainpower. Which is kind of foolish because a problem that I might stress over for hours could be figured out in mere moments by someone with better expertise than myself.<br />
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So, hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to have this "simpler" life, what kind of things would I do? I think the number one change would be connectivity brought on by the Internet. The Internet becomes a novelty for me. I use it for school, but not much else. Perhaps in the evening I would give myself a chance to browse a bit. I certainly wouldn't spend forever on sites like Reddit, Facebook and Twitter. This would probably have the effect of clearing my mind out a lot. I would be able to focus on the specific things I like or need to do - school, writing, gaming, etc. I would still use it, of course, but this time to pursue my interests. I feel like the freedom from excess information in the past allowed people to better specialize in things. Another thing I'd do is try to spend more quality time with those around me. To be honest, I won't talk to most of the people I've run across in college after I graduate. Most friendships tend to be, by nature, transitory. Life just happens. I would also look for help more. College provides all kinds of support systems that I would do well to take advantage of.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-43621715094025387402013-10-14T22:07:00.002-05:002013-10-14T22:07:59.445-05:00Motivation for CollegeFor as long as I can remember, I always knew I was going to college one day. It was never really a question. My earliest memories of report cards comes from elementary school where I was consistently an A student. This continued all the way through high school, where my grades were high. I graduated high school ranked 3rd in a class of 249. Community college was no different, as I graduated with a 3.95 GPA. Academics were always a strong point for me.<br />
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When I transferred to Kansas State, I found things had become more difficult. The level of thinking, the sheer number of hours that was necessary to devote, all these things hurt. It's still something I have trouble with, because I'm stubborn. Recently I've begun feeling like I'm running on empty in things. To keep going, I think I need to remember my motivations.</div>
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<b>Why College? Why Computer Science?</b></div>
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I don't think my parents ever pressured me into attending college. If I had decided not to take the college route, I don't think they would have held it against me. I have heard many people say college is a waste of time and money. Perhaps they are right, but I likely will not know until after I am finished with it. I am inclined to think that attending college was mainly my own choice, although perhaps I was influenced by the school system encouraging it.</div>
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I don't consider myself a computer person. In other words, I don't know much about the intricacies of how computers work. In theory I could find out the information needed to build a desktop of my own, but I have no desire to do it. I consider myself a programmer. Someone who takes ideas and instructions, and turns them into code. My passion for coding started when I was about 11 or 12, and I really latched onto it after I graduated high school. Being a programmer requires a degree of critical thinking skills that I am blessed enough to have. The title I am likely to adopt when I get a programming job is "software engineer." Programmers are in high demand in a world where computers predominate. It also pays very well. So there is this economic reason for college. A Bachelor's degree makes it more likely I will get a well-paying job somewhere. College is also where my programmer skills are being developed and refined. My skills are not as developed as they could be, even though I'm a senior. In college I have learned things I probably would never learn using online resources. I never even heard of a "data structure" before university!</div>
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Most of my life, I'd say I have lived in the lower middle class bracket. Enough to pay the bills, but not always much else. To a degree, this has been good for me. I have picked up a sort of utilitarian mindset with material possessions - if it doesn't have a useful function, I probably do not need it. I have no aspirations of living in a big old mansion by the lake. The Mercedes Benz does not appeal to me. That said... lower middle class is a very wearisome place to be for years on end. It's not something I want to have as part of my life. During the first few years following college I likely will remain in that economic bracket simply because I won't have that big a paycheck. But it is my dream to have an income that allows for a more comfortable life. Sort of my aim is to have a nice house in a safe, quiet neighborhood. If on the off chance I do become more wealthy than what I really need, I foresee myself donating to church ministries, or perhaps things like ChildFund. I might also try to endow scholarships.</div>
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So that is my goal. In the meanwhile I need something to keep me going. One of the biggest motivators is me thinking about the goal. Remembering that all of this is happening for a purpose: to graduate and get myself going in life. Doing so requires action now, and it serves as a great incentive.<br />
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<b>What Breaks Motivation?</b></div>
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Of course, staying motivated can be hard in a college setting. There are plenty of times over the past three semesters I have questioned why I keep going, or why I'm not wanting to keep at it. What are the things that quell my motivation?</div>
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1. Lack of organization: If I don't know what I'm doing, it can be hard for me to find the energy to set up a plan. There might be too many things I need to do. Or I may not have all the items I need for something.</div>
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2. Distractions: Internet. People. If my energy is sapped by these things, or if they're causing my attention to be pulled in several directions, my motivation is spent.</div>
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3. Not understanding something: L. Ron Hubbard wrote in <i>Dianetics </i>(yes, I've read it) that confusion can result from misunderstanding a single word. Regardless of one's opinion of Hubbard's works, this sentence is true. If I fail to grasp one concept, everything else can be very confusing. And when everything escapes me, I feel no desire to keep going.<br />
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4. Impatience: I hate when I can't understand things right away, nor can I get things done in under an hours. But dangit, when stuff takes days' of work I get impatient. I just want to have something done and over. I want to grasp it after the first few tries.<br />
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5. Loss of direction: This is a big one. Although I plan in the long-term, generally I am more short-sighted. Getting caught up in the details of life, it's easy for me to forget why I'm doing this, and what I am working toward. I'm not doing this for graduation's sake; I'm doing this for the life I begin after college. The idea of finishing college and starting my life provides a sudden boost of motivation for me. When I lose sight of that, I lose motivation.<br />
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6. Lack of support: When I start to feel down or overwhelmed, I need people I can go to for help. Unfortunately I don't always feel like I have that. So I end up bearing my frustration in silence, and this has a habit of ruining the rest of the day. I also don't often have people to tell me I'm doing a good job, or encouraging me to press forward, or keeping me accountable to my schoolwork.<br />
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7. No reward: I might put hours and days into something, then instead of any relief or good grade I just have another assignment to do. When there's no end in sight I am inclined to get disgruntled.</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-37691721358968145572013-10-05T22:11:00.003-05:002013-10-05T22:11:53.770-05:00I Want... an OfficeThis is one of those more random thoughts I felt like sharing.<br />
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Over the past few days I have been using the study rooms in the dorm building's basement to get away from everything and focus more on my schoolwork. There are mainly two rooms that I've been used. One is pretty small and seems more like an afterthought. As if the architects of the building said "Hey we have this little space right here. I guess we can make it a room." It has a couple tables and chairs, but no air conditioning system. The other room has three tables, three chairs, and a significant amount of the space is taken up with weightlifting equipment. There's also a window and air conditioning system.<br />
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I've spent several hours out of the day in these rooms. The doors lock from the outside so while I can get out, nobody without a key can get inside. These rooms don't have clocks on the walls, which for me causes the sense of time to disappear. At one point I was in one of the rooms until about 10 pm. Having a room to myself for an extended period of time with no distractions, complete solitude... it felt really good. A nice little place where I can be by myself.<br />
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This invoked a sort of silly pipe-dream desire I've had since last year. I would make the perfect bureaucrat because I like the idea of having my own office. There's just something about having a work space that is solely mine that appeals to me. I could see myself becoming a TA because not only would it likely give me a work space, I could also help people learn. If I weren't going to be a programmer or minister, chances are good I'd be a professor. Even if that would require like three more years of college and doing a bunch of stuff I'd have no interest in. And you can bet I would be a computer science professor.<br />
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Of course in reality I don't have an office to call my own, but I do have the next best thing, a dorm room. 50% of it is mine for the school year unless one of us moves out. I could sort of make this into an office space! My desk has a few basic office items - a laptop, clock, and printer. I could perhaps try to organize my books and accessories a little more since things get messy kinda quickly. Part of me would like to go one step further and post a list of classes that I'm good with that people can come see me for help with. I don't think I'd mind being a tutor very much. Unfortunately my amount of free time is quite limited this semester. Maybe next semester.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-4527947488159505482013-09-09T09:01:00.002-05:002013-09-09T09:01:58.209-05:00What Kind of Place Is Your Mind?This is a question that people bring up every now and then. They ask if your mind was a physical setting, what would it be like? Here's what my mind is like:<br />
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My mind is a city. There is a suburb area to the side of the downtown, and it's all encircled by a tall steel gate. The center of the city has three massive buildings: a library, a cathedral, and observatory.<br />
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You know the armory scene from "The Matrix," where endless rows of guns appear around Neo and Morpheus? The library's bookshelves are like that. You just think about the desired topic and the shelves will shift around you until the right book is in front of you. This represents my intellect.<br />
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By the entrance of the library, where the check-out desk is, you would find a round tables with eight chairs. This is a place where scientists, philosophers, and theologians come to contemplate and discourse. You would find Jesus and Nietzsche talking about the meaning of life; Richard Dawkins and John Lennox debating the existence of God; Leibniz unraveling the intricacies of calculus, and so on. This represents my tendency to think about things, a lot.<br />
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The library is on the east side. A cathedral is the second building of the trio, on the north. It's massive, particularly the sanctuary. Enormously tall ceiling with spires, stained glass windows, and imagery. It's a Lutheran cathedral where services are being held nearly all day. Morning services, evening services, mid-day services. Prayers constantly being delivered up, and mixes of ancient hymns and modern worship songs are being played. If you were to step in there any time of day you'd probably see a service being held. This represents my faith.<br />
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On the west is an observatory. The pinnacle is a huge telescope which peers into the depths of space. Yet astronomy isn't the only thing happening here. There are also labs for chemistry, physics experiments, research on plant and animal life, and so on. It's an all-around scientific facility. This represents my interest in science.Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2909831450698001508.post-4841845781200827262013-09-03T10:16:00.001-05:002013-09-03T13:27:45.443-05:00[TOU] Someone Make My Brain Work, Please...<i>This is the second post in a little post series I've come up with called "The Overworked Undergrad."</i><br />
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Holy moley, it's been a heck of a week for me. My brain feels exceptionally out of order, and I feel like I'm having trouble focusing on my schoolwork and sticking to deadlines. I really got a lot going on and I need to sort myself out, somehow. I'm really thinking of finding someone IRL who is good at handling this sort of stuff, and talking with them about it. There are a lot of facets with me right now that I need help with.</div>
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There is just so dang much work I have to do right now. I'm balancing five classes, five textbooks, and several assignments all thrown at me at once. I know I need to figure out some order to do them in. Usually it's find the ones which are the most urgent, and work on them first. Or if a particular assignment is due later than others but going to require a whole lot of time, do part of that one first. This is not difficult to comprehend, right? Well right now I'm a little rushed. I only yesterday bought the last of the textbooks I was going to need, and I also found out I needed it for an assignment due soon. Today I'm going to spend like another $60 dollars on chemistry lab equipment. Then I should finally be done with throwing money at the college mindlessly.</div>
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I don't feel like I'm using my time effectively. Ideally I would be the sort of person who wakes up, diddle around on the Internet for a bit, and then jump into action with my schoolwork. Unless my night's sleep wasn't very good, I tend to be able to focus and work well in the mornings. I want to be able to get started with something and focus solely on that. Then move to the next thing when I'm done with it, perhaps taking a short break in between. A half hour isn't a short break. That's goofing off, and it's detrimental for me. I know I have the ability to do that. It's been done before. I suppose what's stopping me is that I don't quite have the sense of urgency to get stuff done that I would have otherwise. Deadlines and due dates aren't feeling terribly concrete or immediate for me. I could probably push myself to persist despite that lack of urgency.</div>
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Oh yeah, I mentioned money earlier. This dude needs a job. The college had a part-time job fair a few days ago, and there were several interesting job positions open. And dangit, I need one of those. Part of me is really hesitant about going through with the process, because I've never worked while at university. When I went to community college I worked about 18 hours a week, and I still did exceptionally well in my classes. Then again, my classes were mostly online. So it doesn't seem like it should be bad if I'm working at most 15 hours a week, mainly weekends, to compensate with the much bigger school workload I have now. Still, now I gotta ask people to be references, find where half these places are and turn in stuff, and so on. I wanted to be on the web development team for the housing and dining, but I need to be available for at least 3 four-hour shifts during the weekdays, and my schedule would only allow for two. Technically I could do three, but that third slot is in a pretty nasty place until October.</div>
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And then there's the matter of my weight, and dieting. College food is not always the healthiest thing around. My weakness? It's really, really <i>good</i>. A lot of people talk crap about dining hall food but I think it's yummy. Therein lies my problem. I have a hard time deciding on the spot what stuff is going to be good for me, and what's not. Or how much of something I should eat. I also don't seem to have access to any scales for the purpose of weighing myself, so I don't have a clue what my weight is. I fear it might be going back up. The dorm has a weight room in the basement, but again finding time for that is a challenge.</div>
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On the topic of health, sleep and tiredness has been an issue. Don't get me wrong, I have an adequate amount of sleep. I typically get at least 7 hours of sleep a night. But for some reason it's not doing me very much good once I get into the afternoon. Maybe it's diet, or stress, or whatever, but I've been experiencing more fatigue than usual recently. It's basically one more hindrance stopping me from doing my best. Coffee helps, a little bit, but that could get expensive quickly.</div>
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You know what I think my problem really comes down to? I don't have a plan. I have a schedule, yes. You wouldn't believe how much I've planned out already. But I suppose I haven't taken the opportunity to really engage in it. I can do a lot of stuff this semester, but I need to get myself in gear. Maybe the best thing for me to do is start following my daily schedules - because believe me, I have the time to do what I need - but also have a sort of running to-do list, where I'm working on class stuff based upon how urgent it is to finish them. Having a schedule I followed more rigorously would let me be more on task, and would also go a way to helping me be less distracted by stuff.<br />
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My mind considers what it must have been like for university students and the other intellectuals of the Medieval Ages. They did not have access to knowledge and technology like I do today. On one hand, it made it easier a lot easier to be focused since, hey, they didn't have the Internet to have things more fun to do than schoolwork. If they did decide to slack off, it was usually with a book or other people. So I would wager they were inclined to be more productive than someone like myself. Plus university back in those days was crazy expensive. On the other hand, the less availability of information meant doing things took much longer. High level math, science, and philosophy must have been a real time sink. Yet you still end up with great thinkers like Aquinas, Augustine, Euclid, and so on. Why couldn't I have the kind of focus that they would have?</div>
Youssarianhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04867046789306012033noreply@blogger.com0