Friday, July 4, 2014

Exhausted

Does anyone else get periods of time, ranging from days to weeks, where there is no motivation to do anything, at all? I have been experiencing such a thing for the past week or so.

I think it's partially due to my job. I've finally landed a full time job, but it's factory work, so I'm on my feet for 8 hours straight. With it being summer in Kansas, the shift starts at 5 AM. This means I'm getting up stupidly early in the morning, and expending a lot of energy the entire time. (It is nice being home and showered by 2 PM, though.) This takes all the energy and motivation out of me. After I'm cleaned up I'll watch an episode of whatever sci-fi series I'm going through (currently Star Trek: Enterprise) and read for an hour. After that, I don't really do anything.

I don't know, I guess nothing catches my fancy anymore. There has always been something that interested me. But it seems like that's all gone. I feel like I've basically done all I want to do in Minecraft. Although I've wanted to get into Android development, the software needed to do so has fought me every step. Eclipse is a frustrating piece of software. I'm at the point in my web development knowledge that I don't have anymore challenges to tackle. More powerful languages like Java, C#, and so on are already familiar enough to me that I haven't much more to learn.

Taking in as much film and book as I have recently has given me a little boost in writing. New ideas keep popping in my head. I almost wonder if this is something I could channel my energy in. But I can't push myself to get some stuff figured out. I'm exhausted.

Oh, and there are some odds and ends. I briefly had an infatuation with Age of Empires, but that has since passed. I started a blog for learning how to do a math course I'm not too good at. Haven't touched it in over a month. And a couple other miscellaneous blogs.

Work has sapped much of my energy, although I think it's still there. I need something to channel it, though. There are two things I feel would help me. First, I could benefit from finding something practical to do with my skills. I know how to code well enough, but what good is that knowledge if I'm not using it? If nobody is seeing or running the stuff I write? At the moment I just don't have any use for that skill. Or consider writing. I write for the sake of writing sometimes, but it's kind of pointless to me right now. I could try to find an online magazine or something which takes submissions, and write with the intent of being published. The stuff I'm writing isn't being seen by anyone. It's not being published anywhere. There's not much use for it.

Second, it could be time to plain try something new. I was going to do this with Android development, but technical issues got in the way. Trying new things helps me get out of the rut of being exhausted and burned out. I've found it often jump starts my creative and mental energies. What might I try? I could start a vlog. I never do get much privacy, though, and that kind of thing would need to be done with some privacy. I've mentioned my interest in learning history, so that's an option. Or maybe something else. It's not terribly clear to me where I should go from here.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I Don't Want it Bad Enough

(Edit: friend and fellow blogger Simon wrote a post responding to this one, suggesting that what I lack is not desire, but determination.)

There are a lot of incompleted and failed projects in my life. For all the impressive things I have done, countless others have fallen by the wayside. I come up with all these plans and thoughts and stuff, but ultimately nothing comes out of it. Why? I think it's simply because I don't want it bad enough.

I've always been told that if I came up with smart goals, planned stuff out, and worked at things a little bit every day, I could accomplish anything. It sounds nice, it sounds true, but I'm beginning to think it isn't. There's another element involved, one that you can't pencil in: desire.

I'm very good at planning, scheduling, coming up with to-do lists and short term goals. I do it a lot in my free time. But the weird part is, most of the things I plan to do, never get done. There are so many things I want to do:
  • I want to finish my coding projects on my website.
  • I want to become a published novelist.
  • I want a short story to be published in a magazine of some kind.
  • I want to become a successful freelancer.
  • I want to learn about church history and the Roman Empire, post-Julius Caesar.
  • I want to build awesome things in Minecraft.
  • Etc...
To accomplish these things I've gone through my usual routine of planning and goal-setting. But this has mostly failed. All because while they interested me and seemed cool, once I got into the details of making them happen, I discovered I didn't want it that much. Indeed I could say that about so many things. I like it, I want it, but not bad enough.

Perhaps this is the cause of so much frustration. I set up a plan to do something and give up after a few days or weeks. I take all the steps to be successful. Yet in the end, my heart just isn't in it. 

I don't give much attention to my emotions. Maybe this is one of those times I should. If I don't really want to do something, then I won't if I don't need to. I'm proud of my ability to be productive. When nothing is terribly interesting to me, I can't be productive. Hence the frustration.

I'm not sure there's anything I can do about this. I can't stir interest in something that doesn't interest me. I can't make myself love anything. At least, not in any way I know. It's just one of those things I need to learn to work with. Be nicer to myself when I'm not putting every minute of my time to good use. Realize that sitting on the computer is OK, because it's not like I can bring myself to do anything meaningful anyway.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Check-In #19


Starting weight: 205 lbs.
Last week's weight: 198 lbs.
This week's weight: 198 lbs.

This is annoying and discouraging. It doesn't make sense. My job is basically manual labor, and comparatively speaking I just don't eat a lot. I know it's possible to plateau, and maybe I'm hitting one right now. Oh well, here's to next week.

7 pounds down. 58 left.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Check-In #18


Starting weight: 205 lbs.
Last week's weight: 197 lbs.
This week's weight: 198 lbs.

First setback week since I began. I guess the combination of a sedentary lifestyle plus a few bits of fast food caught up to me finally. That's alright. I recently began a new job, one which is physical on an excruciating level. Assuming I survive it, I'll probably lose weight more rapidly.

7 pounds down. 58 left.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Check-In #17: Just... What?


Starting weight: 205 lbs.
Last week's weight: 198 lbs.
This week's weight: 197 lbs.

I... I can't explain how this happened. After all the dietary and lifestyle choices I made this week, I still lost weight?

HOW?!

This week was filled with its share of ice cream, chocolate, and pizza. I didn't really exercise or move around much. The most motion I had was at work. Since it's a fairly physical job, maybe that's how I balanced an otherwise terrible diet. I don't know. I'm flabbergasted, I'm at a loss of words. But I won't complain. I'm just glad I lost weight. Here's to next week having wiser decisions.

8 pounds down. 57 left.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Check-In #16

Starting weight: 205 lbs.
Last week's weight: 203 lbs.
This week's weight: 198 lbs.

I have no idea how I managed it, but I lost 5 pounds this week. It's weird because I didn't change my habits in any significant way. In fact I had ice cream cake and chocolate. Yet I saw a good result this week. I don't know if this is going to keep up. It might be a fluke. I might gain weight by next week. But for now, I'll take what I can get.

7 pounds down. 58 to go.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Check-In #15

Starting weight/last week's weight: 205 lbs
This week's weight: 203 lbs

That really kind of surprised me. I've been keeping track of my weight all week. For most of it, there was almost no change. At one point I was up one pound. So coming in with two pounds down is a pleasant surprise.

I did a lot of moving around this past week. I think I used the home treadmill three times, each for an hour. There was also plenty of walking around town, usually about an hour's worth. I haven't really done sit ups or push ups, and I'd like to include those in my daily routines.

Last time I started losing weight, I dropped 5 pounds in the course of a week. I think I'm not seeing that again because the dramatic weight loss happened mostly before I weighed myself last week. There was almost a week between returning home and doing that weigh-in. But that's alright. Any loss is better than nothing. It'd be really cool if I could continue the 2 pound per week loss rate.

Two pounds down, 63 to go.