Living Life

I don't know what sparked it in me. Maybe it was the lack of anything to do in my hometown. Maybe it was the usually quiet atmosphere of my home. The desire to do something big with my life, in a setting where nothing big ever really happens. But over the last year, and especially the past six months, I've had a yearning like nothing else to finish learning how to survive in this world, leave the family home for a residence of my own, and start living life.

These days I have what feels like an insatiable urge in me. There'd been a nagging desire in me to start moving from the padded, structured, and limited path that school and family had led me through. Moving from that to the adventure that is life outside of college and the parents' house. A life where I create the means to pursue my desires and go where God takes me. Over the past Thanksgiving break, it all really struck me in one emotional moment. I thought to myself, "this isn't home anymore. My home is out there, in the world."

I want to start living life. This might seem strange. I'm breathing, doing vaguely interesting things (though I perceive myself as having a really boring life), occasionally talking to people, etc. But I can't help but feel like I'm not actually living. Living to me, is things like this: finishing college; getting a stable job; moving into an apartment by myself or with other guys; finding someone to love; working with my church to hold Bible studies; buying my own groceries; deciding things for myself; and so on. Not a lot of these are really feasible while I'm at college, or at home with my parents in a 10,000 population town. I feel like I'm currently in waiting. Sure I'm at college, but still it feels like I'm not really doing anything here. I want to apply what I know. I want to blaze my path. Sometimes it emotionally hurts because I feel so ready to get going but I'm held back like this.

That said. To some degree I am beginning to experience these things. And I'm not entirely sure I'm doing it very well. I have a job. I have responsibilities due to class. Heck, I have bills. Lack of motivation too easy stops me from getting things done. The temptation to veg out in front of the computer is there, and it's easy to fall for until the last minute. I realize that making my way into the post-college world is going to have its share of challenges. But I'm not even experiencing half the problems that I'll have in a few years' time, and already I feel overwhelmed and unable to meet the challenges. Maybe I'll just get more mature over time, after I've made a few mistakes and had to deal with their consequences.

It's instinctual for me to try and do everything alone. For some reason beyond me, I just don't like doing things with other people. I want to work alone. Maybe it's a matter of being independent, or having total control over what's happening.  That's something I really, really need to work on. Life isn't meant to be done independently. I mean for Pete's sake, I hope to be married someday. That kind of requires team work! The knowledge and experience of others is immensely beneficial to everyone. Asking people smarter than me for help could be so useful. If only I could overcome the natural tendencies to do the opposite.