Not So Idealistic

Maybe it's just part of growing up, growing old, or just plain losing faith in myself, but I've been thinking recently. What if my world isn't as limitless and grand as I've always thought it to be? I've long imagined that any reasonable if lofty goal could be accomplished with proper planning and commitment. And part of me has tended to believe that I was of some importance in my local world. However, I find myself reconsidering these things.

"Don't Dream Too Big"

What is it that we're told from our youth? That we can do anything we set our minds to. If you're passionate about something and have the determination to push endlessly toward some goal, you can attain it. Right?

Maybe I'm a bit late snapping to reality but I'm not so sure this is true. Sure it's encouraging to little ears but for those who have seen what it really takes to accomplish anything worthwhile, that good idea might only be that - a good idea.

Let's be frank. There are some things I want to do in this life that I just won't accomplish. For instance, I probably won't make much money online. There are a lot of people who are able to get a decent cash flow off the Internet, doing things like making YouTube videos, running websites, and what have you. I'd like to do that. I'd like to do that to the point where I don't need to get some job requiring all kinds of moving around and coming home tired. Off and on I have made the occasional attempt at opening up some source of income, and nothing ever came of it. The fact is, only a handful of people can do Internet for a living. And the competition is very intense. Some unknown like me just won't make it. And in any case, as a college student I really don't have the time to manage such as lifestyle.

Or the idea of making a novel. I have tried writing novels but I have yet to come up with a storyline long enough to reach novel's length. I wonder if there is a good market for short stories and novellas? Anyway, after doing some reading I have concluded that seeking to be a novelist is unfeasible and not worth my time. The likelihood of a novel of mine appearing in a bookstore is shamefully low, not even worth the consideration.

Then there is going to some kind of Bible college. That would be doable if not for the time factor. Once I graduate from K-State I'm going to be hopping as quickly as I can into the web development field. How can I expect that to leave me sufficient time for taking online classes? Unless my work is only part-time I would simply be too mentally fatigued to focus on classes. So it's a pipe dream, and will remain as such.

"I'm Not a Big Deal"

Everyone told me I was smart when I was young. College was a sure thing. I would get a good job and live a happy, easy life. In fact I was given the impression that I'm pretty special, a worthwhile expenditure of oxygen.

So if I am so grand, why am I working part-time jobs at fast food joints? Surely someone who has above average intelligence and a lot of potential is worth more than minimum wage. Or maybe not. In the past few weeks I've realized that to the world, I'm really not worth all that much. I'm just another average college student who has yet to demonstrate his worth as anything more than a table cleaner. That is rather depressing.

This is where my Christian faith comes in to play. As a Christian, I have the privilege of holding great self-worth. Why? Because I believe that God, the creator of this expansive universe, sent his only Son to die a miserable death for all the sins I would ever commit. There is a lot of personal investment on God's part to save us humans, tiny specks in the universe, from ourselves. That is an invitation to hold oneself in high regard - though not to the point of pride, obviously.

"A Smaller Idea of Myself"

Even so, these realizations have led me to think of myself in somewhat smaller terms. The fantastic will not be normal for me. I will not make a name for myself. I'm just one face out of seven billion. I will come and go like almost everyone else.