The Thousand Dollar Month

Looking at the amount of money I will have to spend for college... wow. My financial aid and all the money I've gotten from working at McDonald's combined do not pay for all of it. The first bill is due on August 20th, and right now I do not have that much money. Don't know if/when financial aid will help with that.

On July 18 I decided I would start trying to get more money through various other means. I'm calling it the Thousand Dollar Month, because I'm going to try and make $1,000 in the next 29 days. Sounds difficult, because it is. I've assembled a list of ways I could do that both with and without a computer. I'm really hesitant about doing, say, house or yard work for people I don't know. But if it gets that desperate I'll go for it.

Already, I've begun trying a few different things to potentially net some income.

• I'm selling books and other things on Amazon. If you're interested in Star Trek or Garfield, check it out. Most of the books are in the $5.00-$10.00 range.
• I'm trying to get an advertisement system set up on my blogs. I understand people don't really care for those. The ones I've gotten are text ads, meaning they don't act all flashy and bothersome.
• YouTube videos. This is a bit more fun to do, because I can play Minecraft and potentially draw an audience. The idea is to produce good content and get a YouTube partnership, where I will get money from people watching ads.

I've been tracking my progress, and it's not been good. In my goal to $1,000, I've actually gone backward because of daily expenses. People paying me back, as well as income from my job, should reverse this issue. But will I reach my goal?

Got anymore ideas for me? Please do let me know in the comments.

A Peculiar Fascination

Nerdy words lie ahead.

There's something that's interested me for as long as I can remember: organized systems. Systems/networks of units that are connected and work together as a whole. I can't really explain why these things fascinate me. I'm not really sure, myself. Here are some examples of things that have caught my eye over the years:

Organ systems. Next to astronomy, this was one of the sciences that was most appealing to me as a child. I recall being able to name all of the organ systems they taught about in school, and I can still remember plenty: circulatory, digestive, endocrine, immune, lymphatic, muscular, nervous (includes sensory IMO), reproductive, respiratory and skeletal. Of particular interest to me was the digestive system, which I suppose is what I specialized in. I can still recite the various organs that are part of it and tell the story of how food is digested. I had a heck of a time trying to learn to say "duodenum" properly. Seeing the specific function each organ had and how it related to the other organs, as well as how the various systems interacted (for example, how the blood vessels of the circulatory system and the lungs of the respiratory system worked together).

Government structures. I've long enjoyed learning about the various part of governments - the leaders, monarchs, Congresses and Parliaments. I admit I've read the US Constitution more than once and also looked at the Belgian and Chinese constitutions. I probably have an above-average understanding of how the government works and what powers our Congress, President and Supreme Court do (and perhaps more importantly, don't) have. In stories and other things I've written, it hasn't been unusual for me to spend some time designing the governmental structures. There was a game I played for about half a year called NationStates, which was all about role playing as a nation. The government of the one I had was a sort of mix between the United State's system and the British Parliamentary model.

Religions. There are various forms that these come in and I've always found myself fascinated by them. How many deities do they have? Buddhism has no deity; Christianity has one; Hinduism has many many millions. What is their take on the afterlife - Nirvana? Reincarnation? Heaven? What kind of moral system do they have set up? What is their founder like? Are they philosophers like Buddha or miracle workers like Moses? Almost every religion has a sacred text, be it the Bible, Quran, Torah, etc. Some, like the gods of the Greeks and Romans, have been long abandoned. Others remain to this day. Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism rank amongst the most widely followed religions. I'm something of an amateur theologian.

Languages. English, Spanish, Latin, Esperanto, Klingonese, Japanese, Cantonese, so on and so on. I've invented languages, one time having a folder devoted to the many I've created over the years. In addition to their vocabulary there are grammatical rules, suffixes and prefixes, punctuation, alphabets. There's actually a chart out there showing how the various sounds are made. Each sound can be represented by a symbol, which can either be a letter the English speaker is familiar with, one borrowed from other languages, or invented.

Militaries. These are heavily structured, having complex rank systems, distinct personnel groups (squad, platoon, company, battalion, division, corps, etc.), uniforms, and so on. In my younger years I was able to memorize the ranking system for the US Army and thanks to Star Trek, I have the naval officer ranks fairly well remembered: ensign, lieutenant junior grade, lieutenant, lieutenant commander, commander, captain, and then the admirals.

Road systems. Another geeky admission of mine: I'm guilty of just wasting time on Google Earth browsing the highway systems that criss-cross the United States. There's actually a method to their numbering systems. Actually, one thing I like doing with Google Earth is zooming out and looking at the apparently randomly placed towns and cities. In this part of Kansas, there's maybe one large city per county, with smaller cities and towns scattered around the place. And farmland, so much farmland in between.

The Third Year!

Two days ago was June 30. That was the completion of my third year in Kansas. I can't believe it's been three years already. Certainly doesn't feel that long. Three years already since I left most of my friends and family back in New York and came here, where I would begin my adult life.

Looking back at the time between June 30, 2011 and June 30, 2012, there doesn't seem to be very much that has changed. Most of the bastions of my life - presently, church and work - have remained consistent. A couple things are notable, and I may already have mentioned them on here.

As you may know, in December I graduated from community college. When that school year started I was leaning more toward attending the University of Kansas; now I'm set to arrive on the Kansas State University campus circa August 19 of this year. That's under two months from now. My Associate's degree came in the mail a couple weeks after graduating. I was quite intent on finding some sort of employment with that degree. Unfortunately, nothing has come of it. I'm still working fast food, barely above minimum wage. I will probably put in my two weeks' notice on July 29th, so that I have a week before leaving for KSU off. Although, since that weeks will be boring and filled with anxiety that may not be advisable. I'll figure it out.

Just within the past couple of weeks I got a new cell phone. The old one had served me admirably with no major issues. However one day after work I pulled it out of my pocket and found that the screen had been damaged. One side only showed white when the phone was on, and the other had lines going either direction. No amount of time with the battery out drying would fix it. The next day I went to Wal-Mart and, after some thinking, purchased a Samsung R375C. It looks like the Blackberry in that it's wide and flat, with a full keyboard and wide screen. Since I text and browse the Web on it far more than I call people, this is optimal for me. I don't have much issue with the phone. Perhaps my only quips are that it's slightly unstable insofar as software, freezing up once in a while, and that it defaults to T9 when I prefer to type out the words myself. I could learn to use the T9 if I wanted to.

Amongst the very first things I did with my new phone, which doesn't have a name and probably won't, was install Opera Mini. I am very pleased with this. My former cell phone ran something like Opera Mini 4. Very basic Web surfing but most certainly did the trick. The R375C can operate Opera Mini 7 and I am quite stunned at the difference between the two versions. Stylistically speaking, version 7 is quite the upgrade, not looking nearly as compact as 4, yet still as functional. I wouldn't mind being able to make it look a little less flashy, but I'm fine. Two things about version 7 makes me really happy:

• A Speed Dial page such as was Opera for the computer has. I have a few pages set on it.
• The ability to have multiple tabs. Version 4 didn't have this. I didn't really discover this feature until just this morning but I'm already happy about this. I can have multiple Web pages opened, and switching through the tabs isn't all that difficult. Certainly I will have a much easier time using Facebook on it while still browsing the Web.

I still can't watch YouTube videos, but that's quite alright. When using things that require going on the Internet, my old T404G would constantly ask if I wanted to send HTTP data... which obviously I did. The R375C doesn't do that, making things simpler. Another enjoyment I have with this phone is its ability to run Age of Heroes online. It's a MMORPG that you play on your cell phone. With my last phone, I could never get past the menu. This new phone, to my delight, runs it without a hitch. Now if only the game weren't so darn confusing, I'd be able to play!

More in the field of electronics is a new MP3 player. My last one was just dying out on me. It couldn't send music to a left earpiece and I was getting tired of that. So I went to Walgreens and got a new one, apparently called the Eclipse. To be honest, I could have done better for myself. The headphones it came with were faulty and eventually its left earpiece died, then the right went out on me too! The MP3 player itself has a remarkably slow menu system and doesn't even do proper alphabetization of songs. I don't recall the letter "F" coming before "A" in the alphabet. Its shuffle feature also leaves much to be desired since all it really does is go to a new letter in the alphabet, pick a few songs that start with it, then go to a new letter. I would recommend it only as a cheap started MP3 player. Perhaps that's why it was so relatively cheap.

I've actually had 2 or 3 headphones died out on me recently. All of them were cheap. Today I went and purchases a not so cheap pair. These, hopefully, will last a good while.

My website has experienced some updating. I'm slowly in the process of consolidating the string of blogs I have into one place. I'm starting to publish posts both here on the Blogger site, and the respective blog on my personal site. I figure that if I have that website, I may as well do something with it.

Segue out of technology and into life skills. Despite being nearly 21, I still don't have my driver's license! I should have had this years. Fortunately things are about to change. The high school offered driver's education. Although intended for students, adults were allowed to sign up. So I did. The week's worth of classes was murderously boring. I found myself annoyed with the constant chiding and lecturing the teachers were giving us. Then came to drive. It's been 9 of the 10 days already, but it really feels like it's been forever. My driving skills have improved enormously, however. I used to freak out when there were other vehicles around or behind me. I'm now much more comfortable on the road, although I would still do well to relax a bit. I already know what vehicle I will be driving once I get my license: a 2000 Ford Ranger. Driving a truck will take me some getting used to. I do plan on writing an entry on my driving experiences, so I won't go much further than that for now.

It's surprising that I didn't mention it on here, but in September I had a sever crisis of faith. You see, on the Internet people are constantly bashing and questioning the Christian faith. Sure there were some basic answers seen here and there, but up until that point I had very little useful knowledge to support my faith. The constant presence of people deriding Christianity eventually upset me. I began to question my faith, myself. Is our faith really blind faith, or what there any kind of logic for it?

I asked two of my more knowledgeable youth leaders what evidence there was for God. One said, "There is none," and the other didn't know how to answer the question. Talk about dismaying! As I struggled to find an answer, my faith wavered. For short periods of time I would descend into agnosticism. On a Christian message board I regularly post on, which I know to be filled with intelligent people of faith, I made a thread asking for good, clear reasons to believe the existence of God and Jesus. At first, people replied with nothing of particular use simply saying "It's by faith." Then another poster replied showing how the few strands of logic I had picked up actually were the basic component of three widely used arguments for God's existence (the cosmological, teleological, and moral arguments). Around the same time I asked my second pastor (whose church I visit Wednesday evenings) this question. I mentioned I had an interest in apologetics, the defense of the faith using reason. He let me borrow a book he had, called "Holman QuickSource Guide to Christian Apologetics." This was exactly what I needed. It showed three philosophical arguments for God's existence, the argument for Jesus's resurrection, the accuracy and reliability of the Old and New Testaments, as well as a few other things.

That book would launch me into the field of theology called apologetics. And since then I have been awed and amazed by it. To think, a religion could have good reasons to be believed in! One apologist, William Lane Craig, has become an intellectual hero of mine. I've been soaking up his work like a sponge. Actually, there are many men whose work I've been engorging myself in: Ravi Zacharias, Greg Koukl, Hugh Ross, and Lee Strobel (his book "The Case for a Creator" was so awesome I read it twice). Being a thinker myself, apologetics comes very naturally to me. Honestly, I feel like this may well be part of God's purpose for my life. I do struggle with fear when facing arguments against God. I worry that they'll be able to disprove my logic, thus debunking part of the reason behind my faith. This is something that all apologists face, though. As long as I can remember that what I believe is true and empirical, I will be fine.

K-State Orientation, or, How to Confuse a Nerd

Yesterday I visited the Kansas State University campus for the first time. It was for enrollment and orientation. August 20th the classes officially begin, but I may opt to arrive in the dorms a day or two ahead of schedule.

But this adventure began nearly 12 hours before the orientation did. Having a mild case of sleep anxiety, sleeping isn't as convenient for me as others find it. This was somewhat problematic because in order to get enough sleep for the long trip ahead, everyone in the house went to bed early. Originally I was planning on getting off the computer and into bed at 8:30, but my parents were already resting and I didn't want to be up excessively late so I got into bed a whole 15 minutes before that. From 8:15 PM to about 9:30 I just laid there, idly surfing the Web on my cell phone until I finally dozed off. That nap lasted about an hour and I awoke again sometime during the 10 o'clock hour.

At that point I just could not get back to sleep, and every position was uncomfortable. I got up, leaned against the wall with a pillow supporting my back, and watched a National Geographic program until 11. Then, as I usually do for the Monday night 11 o'clock hour, I turned on TBN and watched Joel Osteen and Manna-Fest with Perry Stone. Some time during Manna-Fest I laid back down, but it wasn't until about 12:30 AM or so that I could get back to sleep.

Then my alarm went off. It was 3 AM. I had breakfast and prepared for the long ride ahead. To get from my little hometown of Independence to Manhattan, KS (aka the Little Apple; it has its own subreddit) takes about three hours. We did what we needed to do and were on the road shortly after 4 AM.

The ride there was actually very interesting. I had never been on the Kansas roads this late at night (or would it be early in the morning?). I've long been fond of the Kansas highways. The terrain and open space is lovely. It was about 60 degrees Fahrenheit although I was comfortable in my sweater. One of the most memorable parts was watching the colors of the horizon change as the sun got closer to rising. There were hues of blue, green, orange, and a spectrum of other colors. Minecraft has nothing on real sunrises. I frequently rested my head on my seat but I don't recall if I napped. I may have.

It's history now, but as we passed through the various towns and cities I posted a message on Twitter, if you want to check it out. I noticed that the small towns we went through looked very similar. It seems Dollar General, Casey's, Subway and Jump Start were staples of every area. I also saw two First Baptist Churches. Kansas, copying and pasting town plans before the advent of computers.

Right around 7 AM we made it to the college campus. It certainly doesn't look the way I expected. The buildings are mostly made of white concrete, as opposed to the darker colors I anticipated. It was an hour early so we just sort of stood around. I had brought a book with me, The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel, which I intermittently read. As we entered the student union building there was a flight of stairs down which led to the bowling arena, billiards room, and video game section. There was also a screen showing the schedule for the day. My father joked that it would be funny if it was a touch screen. Imagine touching it and suddenly every similar screen on campus goes flying about. After touching the screen however, he found it was not a touch screen.

At around 7:45 AM things began. What followed would be a very hectic, whirlwind series of events during which I was confused as to exactly what and where I was supposed to go. Honestly, I was clueless in every regard and if I could do something wrong, I did. In hindsight, it's hilarious.

First they had us go to a table based on our last name. I got to the one for me and received my name tag with three tickets to get free food at the food court for lunch. I also received a few other papers. Next I had to go to another table down the hall. I didn't notice it until my parents pointed it out to me. I think it was there that I got a pink piece of paper which was of some importance and a K-State bag with papers and a book in it. Next we followed the crowd - like lemmings, as my father said - to the spot where we would have our photos taken. My parents sat on a bench while I got in a winding queue to get my picture taken. It was fairly rapid and I liked the outcome.

At that point I think my sugar levels had dropped. There was an electronic thing that I had to sign my signature on. I couldn't keep my hand stable and as a result the first part of my signature is a little clumped together. I told my folks I needed food and we were directed upstairs to the food court where a convenience store was open. I grabbed some Twix and a Pepsi. The Twix alleviated my hunger and soon I was back in normal operating condition.

With that done we proceeded to where a series of desks with computers were. They were lined by last name but the lady behind a desk which wasn't for my last name was able to process me. I think she basically checked to verify I was me and I still wanted to major in computer science.

Now, after a little bit of confusion where to go next, we went into what looked like a little art gallery and had the chance to get some donuts and coffee. I'm not the most graceful of people and was already a little overladen, so when I attempted to grab a chocolate-covered donut with the tongs I succeeded in rolling it around the plate a little before successfully snatching it. Then into an auditorium.

Kansas State University is divided into nine colleges, or general areas of study. In this auditorium we were all seated according to which college we belonged to. As a computer science major, I went in the college of engineering. It was cramped and had a bizarre smell akin to cereal and body odor. Fortunately the scent was faint. A pregnant woman spoke to us first, then the Dean of the university addressed us for maybe a half hour. Throughout orientation I would be spoken to a lot and loaded with information, but all the talk sessions were brief - thank God.

During the message from the dean, I could discern he was trying to paint a rosy picture of the university. He frequently referred to the teachers and student body as a "family." I also sensed a sort of liberalism but it's too early to tell.

Next we were shipped to smaller rooms based upon which college we went to for a Tips for Success talk. from a couple fellow students. Throughout the entire day there were students wearing a purple KSU t-shirt and khaki shorts or skirt. I found these people to be very approachable, sociable, and informative. Part of this session involved meeting the others in the room that we didn't know. As an introvert, I naturally found that uninteresting and didn't really speak to anyone until the dude next to me spoke first. Nice first impression of me. Then the two students in charge spoke. Now that I think of it, both of them posted their Twitter accounts. I'm going to see if I can find them on there.

Something that I was wondering the whole time is if the university has its own dedicated Minecraft server. After the talk ended I asked one of the students and he didn't know. From there we went to what were called "Break Out Sessions," which were short informative sessions. There were many different ones to choose from. The first was Computing and Networking, which talked about the online systems that KSU has for students. Again I asked about Minecraft, and they did not know.

The second one was Career Resources. This was very interesting. There's a branch of the campus dedicated to helping students get jobs. As it turns out, employers frequently hold fairs at the campus to meet with students, aka potential employees. I sure intend on looking at that. Also, there are innumerable part-time job opportunities throughout the campus. The food court alone has a Denny's and Taco Bell. I may apply for one of those - although I'd rather get a job tailored to my major. My main goal of university is to get a job I want, so this was quite relevant to my interests.

By this time it was about 10:45 AM. A lull in the activity. My parents had wandered off a half hour ago although I kept in contact via text message. I meandered down to the first floor of the student union building to check things out. I met up with my parents in the food court. The next event wasn't meant to start until 11:15 AM but apparently they were a couple minutes ahead of schedule. A KSU student working the orientation asked if we were finding everything OK and I subsequently went upstairs where everyone was to meet up according to college. They had already left so one of the girls walked me to where the talk for the college of engineering was being held. It was in a different building. The room was a small lecture hall. The chairs were amazing. Cushioned and ergonomic, you could lean back slightly in them. By this point my brain was pretty fried and overloaded so I couldn't retain much of what was said.

Once that finished, it was finally lunch time. I went into the packed food court and started examining the various options. In addition to the Denny's and Taco Bell there were a few spots which looked like they were professionally ran. One spot had pizzas on display. I asked the lady what the menu was and she said that the only thing she was serving that day was what was on display. I almost got pizza, then I remembered how I've had so much recently that I've started losing desire for it.

To the right was another interesting spot. The guy there, despite apparently being a professional chef, was very casual and patient. No Gordon Ramsey here. I'm not sure if he could tell I had been in a near perpetual daze up to that point. I noticed a little sign saying he was serving an entrée with two sides or whatever so I opted for that. I asked what the entrée was and he presented three options. I went for the chicken selects (I hate I just used their McDonald's name to describe them, LOL!) and he put a pretty decent number of them on the plate. He then showed me the options for the side dishes and I selected the mashed potatoes and the corn. What he ended up doing was putting two scoops of mashed potatoes, overall a pretty beastly mound, and these little chicken nugget things which had like corn and I think cheese in them. By some sheer strange understanding of college-level physics he made it all fit on the plate. The meal also had a 24 ounce drink. I had no clue where the drink stand was until he pointed it out to me. This guy was pretty cool.

So I get to the drink stand and look at the various cups. I can't find the 24 oz. cups. I believe it was at this point that my patience started to fizzle out. I'm the kind of person that needs to have a schedule or to-do list to feel comfortable. That's not what I had that day. I felt like I had been haphazardly slung around the campus all morning not being told more than "Go this way." (Today I realized there was indeed a piece of paper with the day's schedule on it, but with all the information that I was being spammed with, I had no way of noticing.) I did finally find the 24 oz. cups and filled it with good ol' sweet tea. But my next frustration was finding the straws and napkins! They were nowhere to be found! A family near me was trying to understand the same thing. A cook was walking by and I asked him. The straws and napkins weren't available until after we paid for the meal. How nice. My plate was a thick paper plate and starting to feel warm. I informed the likewise clueless family and proceeded to the cashier - entering on the wrong side, of course. I handed in the food ticket, got my straw and napkin and looked for a place to sit. The section was filled with small square tables that seated four. Not knowing anyone (except possibly one person I may have recognized as a friend of some friend) I picked an empty table and began to eat. The food was delicious - especially the mashed potatoes.

My parents met up with me there. It all felt so surreal. That was the place where, in two months' time, I would be learning, living, and hopefully working. This would be my new home. A place where I would be taking my first steps as an individual adult, independent of my parents. I'm very lucky because the federal student aid I'm receiving will pay all but a few hundred dollars of my costs for the two years. I can easily handle the rest. Now that I think of it, I'm intensely lucky. I've been saving money up for years and years to pay for college and instead of thousands I'll only have to pay a few hundred. Hallelujah.

At 1 PM I had to return to the engineering building to take care of getting enrolled. I succeeded in finding my way to the wrong building and had two teachers direct me to the correct one. From there I wound up waiting on the wrong side of the library for a half hour to get processed. I never did get good phone signal at that campus. Had someone not alerted me I would have been waiting all day long. But I soon found myself in the right spot.

My advisor started off our conversation with a bad pun and said "If you don't like puns you better run." That made me chuckle because I'm a huge pun fan. Then we got down to plotting out my fall semester classes. Since I'm quite knowledgeable in programming concepts and several languages,  I was permitted to skip an otherwise required 200 level class and take CIS 300, "Data Structures." He informed me that if I found the class too overwhelming on the first couple days I could drop the class and enter CIS 200. I ended up with 3 computers-related classes for my first semester.

He wanted to then see me take a non-computers course to fulfill other requirements. I noticed PHILO 115 was Introduction to the Philosophy of Religion. Once, while discussing with an older friend my interest in ministry, he suggested that if I didn't want to do seminary I could try religious studies in college. I put this on my list of classes to enroll in. The advisor said the course might be full already so suggested I have an alternative ready. I picked HIST 101, Rise of Europe. Four classes chosen, I moved to a computer where a volunteer was helping people enroll.

I had no trouble enrolling in Intro to Computer Science and Intro to Computer Engineering. When I tried getting into PHILO 115 the system didn't seem to recognize it existed. The volunteer helped me check and I found out it was closed to transfer students. That was unfortunate as I was anxious to take that class. Instead I enrolled in HIST 101 with no issue. Then with CIS 300 it wouldn't let me get in because I hadn't taken CIS 200. The guy who had spoken at the 11:15 session, I believe he is the dean of engineering, was alerted and he enrolled me in the CIS 300 class. My schedule was complete and it got printed out. It was after 2 PM by that point.

By that time fatigue had kicked in. I returned to the student union and picked up my KSU photo ID card. We then looked at the various tables in the student union showing off the many programs. Amongst the things I checked out where two of the 4 Christian programs on display and the museum. I might want to work at the museum - it's quiet, like a library, and seems like what I'd enjoy. One more question needed to be answered: dorms. Where would I be staying? What could/couldn't I bring to the campus? I returned to the engineering building and asked the dean of engineering. He had me call the appropriate office. They won't know who goes where until the first week of July, when they mail out the information. The stuff to bring or not bring is available on the website.

And with that I was done and ready to go home. I picked up another bottle of Pepsi for my dry mouth and we returned to our car. I took off my sweater and immediately knew I did not smell very nice.

The drive home was largely quiet. We were all tired. It felt much quicker than the trip to the campus. I had a small nap. For about the last hour I played a game on my cell phone. When we were a few miles from Independence my father asked what was going on concerning dinner. I mentioned I wanted to do what has become a typical part of my Tuesday schedule, which is to meet with friend at the apartment of a married couple of friends for a couple hours. My parents were gracious enough to drop me off there and take my bookbags and paper home.

There I relaxed and hung out with my friends. Most of them are younger than me. I played a little Zelda and had some soup. Now, it seems that this younger generation isn't very concerned with personal space when around friends. As a rule, I tend to give friends appropriate amount of personal space and avoid awkward physical contact. It's not like I sit a foot away from them but I'm not all up on them. However it seems (especially amongst the young women I know) when on a couch, it's completely fine to be bunched up together, leaning and in some cases sitting on each other. Trying to be "hip" and sociable I got in on it and found myself someone squeezed against a friend. It was weird but I got used to it. Although, I noticed one of my female friends resting her head on a guy friend. Monkey see, monkey do. I went to put my head on her shoulder but he stopped me, evidently finding it awkward. I was amused at how she said it, though.

When I got home shortly before 9 PM, I realized my mp3 player was missing. I deduces one of two things: either it was in the car, or at the friends' house. Doesn't seem to be in the car. Either I dropped it somewhere or I got pickpocketed. Oh well. It was broken anyway. Unfortunately, now I need to get new headphones. And maybe a less crappy mp3 player.

Some Reality

About two weeks ago I had a small depressive spell. Things just weren't going my way and it was really getting me down. It's had a lasting, possibly, permanent impact on my ambitious, imaginative side.

Growing up in school I was always told that I could be anything I ever wanted. My parents also reinforced that. The church likes to say that God has some incredible purpose for everyone and if they were obedient to Him, they would experience it. As a result of this constant encouragement, I like to say that I've been foolish enough to believe I really could do whatever I set my mind to, provided I had the right planning and effort put into it.

In recent times I've come to realize that, you know what, it may not be so simply obvious that I will achieve my dreams in life. My current desire for life, at the moment, is to graduate from university with a Bachelor's of Science degree in computer science. From there I wish to work for a computers company where I can do some kind of programming. My strengths are largely in Web development so that's where I may very well go. I would love to see if any companies needs someone with an Associate's degree that can hire me part time while I'm at university, but that's more a possibility rather than a concrete piece of the plan.

Once I get my Bachelor's, I want to find a company that will hire me full time in some programming function. If I get a programming job as a college student, I might be lucky enough to be able to stick with that company. After a few years of work I may decide to start my own programming company, which I have named Dextros Programming. That's more possibility than reality. Eventually, and hopefully within the next ten years, I will find a nice Christian gal and get married. Also in the realm of possibility is getting my Master's in computer science, if the job market would necessitate it. I may even enroll in a seminary program and get a Master's in Biblical Studies or apologetics. I don't believe I am going to be a pastor in the future but I do have a calling to ministry. So far it seems like the most likely things I'll be entering are youth ministry, apologetics, and/or evangelism.

I also want to be a published writer and create a game I've had in my mind for several years.

That's what I want to do with life. It's much more than the common 20-something desires. I would reckon most of them are simply "finish college. Get a job. Get a house and car." And for the better part of my life, I've believed that it was a given I would accomplish these. I got the knowledge. I got the resources. I got the time and ambition. So I'll do all of this, right?

Not when reality steps into speak. The fact of the matter is, half of new graduates with Bachelor's degrees can't get jobs. The economy is in a slump that even well-educated graduates are settling for minimum wage jobs, if they can get one at all. On top of that, I stepped into the programming realm relatively late, it seems. I know a young man who was only 14 and already coding in Python. I didn't get serious about coding until I was 16. Luckily, the computer sciences are expanding fields so hopefully I have an advantage when I wield a Bachelor's degree.

I recently sent job applications to six or so entry-level jobs. None of them accepted me. Which is insane because I have a college degree and three years of work experience. And I wasn't good enough? How will I ever fund myself at university? I really do not want to work for McDonald's when I leave for school. However that may end up being my only option; I have a great reputation as a worker here, and it might be possible to get transferred there.

This lack of money hampers things immensely. If I do land a stable computers job I will be quite happy. I intend on living somewhere cheap for the first few years after school. I'm not particularly materialistic. Quite hopefully, I won't end up being another student who, unable to get a good income after college, has to move back in with the parents. It's really a 50-50 chance that I'll get a decent computer job. And it may require me moving out of state. The lack of money would also make starting a company quite hard. In all likelihood I won't have much free time, and my skills are rather limited. To make up for this I would need to hire others. It would need to be a volunteer venture since there's no way I could pay employees. I informally have myself listed as Founder/Lead Programmer of Dextros Programming on my Facebook page, but it's merely fantasy (alongside being graduated from Konoha Academy and Starfleet Academy as chaplain for the Enterprise).

Being a published writer first necessitates I write something good. I have some drafts made that might be decent. I have one story that, although currently it is an online blog, I may go ahead and try to get it turned into a book. This is much more of a concrete thing, just takes creativity and effort.

Making a game is something in the works, but not advancing at a very good pace. Again, it would ultimately need help from others. Getting married is something you really can't plan. I first need to find a compatible person. At the moment that seems quite difficult for me since I'm not a very typical person. Ministry is also something I can't plan. I have a ministry blog and plenty of head knowledge. I just need to get on the streets and start working it. But I need real life support, and almost none of the people I know want to be involved.

Sure does seem like I've dissected and shot down my dreams. I'm not saying they're impossible, I'm saying some of them are improbable. It's for certain that I'll get my Bachelor's degree - federal financial aid will cover all but a couple hundreds of dollars from that, although student loans will be another issue to deal with.

I suppose the lesson I've learned is one of humility. I'm not as awesome and powerful and gifted as I formerly thought myself to be. My awesome future I've dreamed of isn't so set in stone.

My depression was set off when I realized there were some things about my work which absolutely sucked and there was nothing I could do about it, and then when I was told I might be able to do something I really wanted to do, but it was dropped at the last second without my awareness. These things made me feel so useless, and hopeless. Useless because it seemed like I had no worth. I had nothing to provide besides meaningless, menial stuff. Oh sure I can go on the Internet and make myself seem so great and gifted but in real life, I'm nothing. And hopeless because I felt like I was in a trap where all I could do is despair over less than ideal conditions in life, and that there was no way for me to effectively use the skills I do have. With those events and feelings came the feeling that I'm not really all that important or great. Which is reflected in this pessimistic outlook on my dreams.

If you ask me if I'll ever accomplish what I seek to do in life, I'll tell you it's uncertain. In reality, I might not manage to do any of them. I could very well end up doing the thing I've worked so hard to avoid: living a meaningless, mediocre life.

This pessimistic view, although not necessarily the actual outcome I'm destined to have, is quite grounding. It brings me to reality. You see, I do still have these dreams. To be a programmer, an author, and minister. And they can be done. Sometimes it seems like my efforts aren't toward a discernible goal. For example: until a few weeks ago I was devoting time learning the various PHP command libraries. I don't even remember most of them. Then I realized something, which also sparked that depression: it was for no practical purpose. I was getting so much information, but to what end? I've moved from that to trying more practical stuff. The results have been immediate, with two new completed projects. They're far from magnificent but better than nothing. In my writing, I'm jumping through the parts, writing as inspiration comes. I do foresee this being a completed project. And as for ministry, I have already started that.

Post 38: More on God as Personal and Experiential

In the past six or so months, my life as a Christian has turned in a way I never imagined it would. I ventured into a field of Christian theology known as apologetics. I've learned the knowledge of defenders of the faith like William Lane Craig, Ravi Zacharias, Hugh Ross, and so on. This has coupled with my natural propensity to learn things quickly and has resulted in me gaining a very large mental library of knowledge about rational defense of the Christian faith. I have at least a basic understanding of six philosophical arguments to support the existence of the Biblical God and can probably provide a decent defense the historical accuracy of the Bible. This passion to understand the faith is something I've held for as long as I can remember yet is sadly absent from most of my peers.

However, even with all this knowledge, I still find myself occasionally in doubt. You'd think this is the most bizarre issue that I could have. Like, really? I've ventured into fields of knowledge that most are apathetic toward at best, and I'm still not 100% confident in my faith? It's true. It's no secret that God is, on a day-to-day basis, quite hidden from humanity. Because he's not made of matter or energy, he's not something we can detect with our physical senses. Because he is infinite and eternal, he is not something we can fully comprehend or understand with our human thinking. The Bible says that a person cannot see God and live; if God were to appear in front of me, it would be my death. His pure holiness would destroy my physical body (or something like that). Rather, God is spirit and to perceive him you must be able to perceive spiritually. I do have friends who are more in-tune with things spiritual; I don't quite have that gifting.

It seems that the issue boils down to this: I have trouble encountering God in a personal, experiential manner. Despite Christianity being a "personal relationship," I must concede there are not too many things which have happened over the past four years which I could call personal. On a practical, daily level, it's been more of a matter of obedience than personal interaction. Then there is the experiential aspect. I have experienced things which I attribute to God - healings, hearing from God, warnings, etc. - yet these are unfortunately far and few in between, which makes them difficult to anchor upon.

I want to experience God on a more tangible, real level, outside the lines of ink that make up my Bible or my short nightly prayers. I've ruminated on this in a previous post, and some of the possibilities listed by it still apply here. Some ways I might experience God:

• Miraculous events - I've experienced at least one of my own, as well as seeing/hearing of several others.
• Worship - egad. Pentecostals are (in)famous for this. Speaking in tongues. Being slain in the Spirit. My response to God hasn't been particularly emotional, so I don't really experience anything supernatural in this. I make a really good Baptist in this regard.
• "Hearing" God through thoughts - as I've said before, this has happened to me a couple times.
• Conscience - this is one I don't often consider, and I really should. When your conscience inexplicably (or explicably as the case may be) tells you something, that's the God trying to get your attention via the Holy Spirit.
• "Feeling" God presence - been over two years since I mentioned this, and I still don't know how one does that.
• Observing how God works through the world around you - like how things turn out for fellow believers, etc., etc.

This list isn't very helpful. It's just a list. These are ways that God might appear to me, but it doesn't help with my problem. How might one come to experience God? Or encounter him in a personal way? I'd like for that to happen. Dear God, please reveal yourself to me, because I am a stubborn fool that wants to rely on my own understanding.

Post 37: Rite of Initiation or, What it Mean to be a Man

A couple days ago I was reading an article on the site called The Art of Manliness and it talked about rites of initiation. These are events in a young man's life that marks their transition from being a boy to being a man. It mentioned some things that I found were interesting.

To my surprise, it seems that a lot of adult males don't feel like they are men. Being 20, I consider myself a man. I figured I officially transitioned from boyhood to manhood on my 18th birthday. By that point I had graduated high school and moved over 900 miles to a new state in the country. I would soon have a job and, less than a year later, enter college.

Part of the reason many men don't feel like men, the article seems to say, is because as a society we lack that rite of initiation that more traditional societies have. There is no absolute delimiter. Instead, people use a lot of different major life events to personally mark when they enter manhood. It could be when they get their driver's license (which I've not yet done, but am in the process of doing!), graduate from high school, become the age where you're legally considered an adult, and so on. If the person belongs to a religious organization there could be something like that. In Christianity, there's a tradition of water baptism, where the person identifies with the death and resurrection of Jesus. Jews have the bar mitzvah for young men where at age 13 are considered to be full adults in the Jewish community. Catholic Christians, in addition to water baptism, have the sacrament of Confirmation.

Within a small span of time, I've had many experiences which could be considered rites of initiation to manhood: water baptism at my Protestant Christian church; a few days later, graduating from high school; two days later, arriving in Kansas after a long trip half way across the nation; turning 18; getting my first real job; and registering to vote.

However, I feel that if I were personally to have a "rite of initiation" into manhood, it wouldn't be any of those things. With the exception of the long move, these are pretty generic. When I think of being a man, there's some words that come to my mind: leader, self-reliant, wise, intelligent, strong, crafty, mild-tempered, resilient, and so on. In the comments section of the page there were some good ideas for what a personalized rite of initiation would be like. I suppose my own rite of initiation would involve three main fields: my spirituality, physical strength, and practical skills.

Now, I don't really care for the idea of having children currently, but it's possible that someday I will have a son. I have a speculation about what I might do for a rite of initiation. Should I ever have children I do intend to raise them in a strongly Christian home and we would retain the tradition of water baptism. That wouldn't be the "rite of initiation," though. That's meant to be done when a person makes a decision to openly associate with Jesus's death and resurrection. My idea is this:

Perhaps a weekend or two after graduation or his turning 18, whichever occurs last, there would be a trip taken to the woods. Perhaps it would be a camping expedition. The only people attending would be me, the son, and a couple friends of mine who I know to be wise and godly. Over the course of the weekend we would teach him how to do things like starting fires (not to burn down the forest of course!), fishing, and other skills that would make him handy around the house and in daily life. We'd also do some running to build up the physique, although myself and my friends may run out of energy long before he did. The most important part, I think, would be when we're sitting around the campfire. Myself and my friends would discuss life with him. I'm sure that at 18 he would still have lots of questions about God, women, life, and so on. We'd hear and answer his questions, and dispense valuable bits of wisdom to him. The outcome of this, hopefully, would be a young man equipped to grow as a wise and capable individual that knows the proper way to face life and reach his fullest potential in whatever goals he may set.