Some Reality

About two weeks ago I had a small depressive spell. Things just weren't going my way and it was really getting me down. It's had a lasting, possibly, permanent impact on my ambitious, imaginative side.

Growing up in school I was always told that I could be anything I ever wanted. My parents also reinforced that. The church likes to say that God has some incredible purpose for everyone and if they were obedient to Him, they would experience it. As a result of this constant encouragement, I like to say that I've been foolish enough to believe I really could do whatever I set my mind to, provided I had the right planning and effort put into it.

In recent times I've come to realize that, you know what, it may not be so simply obvious that I will achieve my dreams in life. My current desire for life, at the moment, is to graduate from university with a Bachelor's of Science degree in computer science. From there I wish to work for a computers company where I can do some kind of programming. My strengths are largely in Web development so that's where I may very well go. I would love to see if any companies needs someone with an Associate's degree that can hire me part time while I'm at university, but that's more a possibility rather than a concrete piece of the plan.

Once I get my Bachelor's, I want to find a company that will hire me full time in some programming function. If I get a programming job as a college student, I might be lucky enough to be able to stick with that company. After a few years of work I may decide to start my own programming company, which I have named Dextros Programming. That's more possibility than reality. Eventually, and hopefully within the next ten years, I will find a nice Christian gal and get married. Also in the realm of possibility is getting my Master's in computer science, if the job market would necessitate it. I may even enroll in a seminary program and get a Master's in Biblical Studies or apologetics. I don't believe I am going to be a pastor in the future but I do have a calling to ministry. So far it seems like the most likely things I'll be entering are youth ministry, apologetics, and/or evangelism.

I also want to be a published writer and create a game I've had in my mind for several years.

That's what I want to do with life. It's much more than the common 20-something desires. I would reckon most of them are simply "finish college. Get a job. Get a house and car." And for the better part of my life, I've believed that it was a given I would accomplish these. I got the knowledge. I got the resources. I got the time and ambition. So I'll do all of this, right?

Not when reality steps into speak. The fact of the matter is, half of new graduates with Bachelor's degrees can't get jobs. The economy is in a slump that even well-educated graduates are settling for minimum wage jobs, if they can get one at all. On top of that, I stepped into the programming realm relatively late, it seems. I know a young man who was only 14 and already coding in Python. I didn't get serious about coding until I was 16. Luckily, the computer sciences are expanding fields so hopefully I have an advantage when I wield a Bachelor's degree.

I recently sent job applications to six or so entry-level jobs. None of them accepted me. Which is insane because I have a college degree and three years of work experience. And I wasn't good enough? How will I ever fund myself at university? I really do not want to work for McDonald's when I leave for school. However that may end up being my only option; I have a great reputation as a worker here, and it might be possible to get transferred there.

This lack of money hampers things immensely. If I do land a stable computers job I will be quite happy. I intend on living somewhere cheap for the first few years after school. I'm not particularly materialistic. Quite hopefully, I won't end up being another student who, unable to get a good income after college, has to move back in with the parents. It's really a 50-50 chance that I'll get a decent computer job. And it may require me moving out of state. The lack of money would also make starting a company quite hard. In all likelihood I won't have much free time, and my skills are rather limited. To make up for this I would need to hire others. It would need to be a volunteer venture since there's no way I could pay employees. I informally have myself listed as Founder/Lead Programmer of Dextros Programming on my Facebook page, but it's merely fantasy (alongside being graduated from Konoha Academy and Starfleet Academy as chaplain for the Enterprise).

Being a published writer first necessitates I write something good. I have some drafts made that might be decent. I have one story that, although currently it is an online blog, I may go ahead and try to get it turned into a book. This is much more of a concrete thing, just takes creativity and effort.

Making a game is something in the works, but not advancing at a very good pace. Again, it would ultimately need help from others. Getting married is something you really can't plan. I first need to find a compatible person. At the moment that seems quite difficult for me since I'm not a very typical person. Ministry is also something I can't plan. I have a ministry blog and plenty of head knowledge. I just need to get on the streets and start working it. But I need real life support, and almost none of the people I know want to be involved.

Sure does seem like I've dissected and shot down my dreams. I'm not saying they're impossible, I'm saying some of them are improbable. It's for certain that I'll get my Bachelor's degree - federal financial aid will cover all but a couple hundreds of dollars from that, although student loans will be another issue to deal with.

I suppose the lesson I've learned is one of humility. I'm not as awesome and powerful and gifted as I formerly thought myself to be. My awesome future I've dreamed of isn't so set in stone.

My depression was set off when I realized there were some things about my work which absolutely sucked and there was nothing I could do about it, and then when I was told I might be able to do something I really wanted to do, but it was dropped at the last second without my awareness. These things made me feel so useless, and hopeless. Useless because it seemed like I had no worth. I had nothing to provide besides meaningless, menial stuff. Oh sure I can go on the Internet and make myself seem so great and gifted but in real life, I'm nothing. And hopeless because I felt like I was in a trap where all I could do is despair over less than ideal conditions in life, and that there was no way for me to effectively use the skills I do have. With those events and feelings came the feeling that I'm not really all that important or great. Which is reflected in this pessimistic outlook on my dreams.

If you ask me if I'll ever accomplish what I seek to do in life, I'll tell you it's uncertain. In reality, I might not manage to do any of them. I could very well end up doing the thing I've worked so hard to avoid: living a meaningless, mediocre life.

This pessimistic view, although not necessarily the actual outcome I'm destined to have, is quite grounding. It brings me to reality. You see, I do still have these dreams. To be a programmer, an author, and minister. And they can be done. Sometimes it seems like my efforts aren't toward a discernible goal. For example: until a few weeks ago I was devoting time learning the various PHP command libraries. I don't even remember most of them. Then I realized something, which also sparked that depression: it was for no practical purpose. I was getting so much information, but to what end? I've moved from that to trying more practical stuff. The results have been immediate, with two new completed projects. They're far from magnificent but better than nothing. In my writing, I'm jumping through the parts, writing as inspiration comes. I do foresee this being a completed project. And as for ministry, I have already started that.