Tactical Socialization

This semester hasn't been the most successful for me. Part way through I experienced some heavy burnout that really set me back academically. Even now I'm still feeling the consequences of it. One of my biggest failures, I think, has been socially. I've done a really good job at keeping people at arm's length or further, and I'm starting to rethink whether it actually was so good an idea.

Gah, People!

I've always been a loner. My circle of friends has never really been that big. People tended to go in and out of it as life circumstances demanded. I never really preferred team projects, but if I did find myself in one I usually took the leadership position. It did the job.

Although I didn't know about the word until my teen years, I'd easily be classified as an introvert. There's a difference between intoversion and shyness. Introverts don't talk much because it expends energy. Shy people don't talk much because of fear, anxiety, or something else. I have the double whammy of being shy and introverted.

One of the main things I've noticed about how I socialize is how I dislike small talk. It occurred to me a few years back how useless it seems to be. How often do you hear a conversation go "Hi!" "Hi!" "How are you?" "Good." "That's good." What's the point of that? That little exchange goes nowhere, does nothing. I would rather get to the meat of the conversation. If you have anything important or meaningful to say, go ahead and say it. I don't see such social niceties as worthwhile.

I've also taken issue with the "stock questions" you hear around a college campus at the start of a new school year, or at other significant times of the year. You probably know what I'm talking about:

• Where's your hometown?
• What's your major?
• What year are you?
• How many final exams do you have?
• What are your plans for break?
• How was your break?

It bugs me to use and be asked these because I find them cliche. They're outright predictable. They're asked so often, and I repeat myself every time.

Basically, I abstained from these things. If people asked me them, I would answer as appropriate.

Not So Empty Chatter

I did not expect to have such big problems with this approach to socialization as I've gotten. Of the 100-odd students living on my floor in this dorm, only 20 were present last year. The rest are completely new faces. While people were trying to get to know each other early in the year, I basically stayed out of sight. Some of them I've become acquainted with. The rest only know me as the quiet, somewhat goofy, kinda grumpy dude that lives at the end of the hall. I feel like, by and large, I've missed out on a lot of important interaction with my peers. I don't even have a baseline acquaintance relationship with many, if not most, of them. 

Why do I think these non-existent relationships are important to have? Because I'm a social creature, just like anyone else is. If I don't have anyone physically present I can go to, then I'm in a lot of trouble because the social needs I have can't be met. These are needs everyone has. We fulfill them by talking with others, hanging out, and otherwise being physically present with fellow humans.

It dawned on me that small talk, which I long thought of as purposeless, is actually kinda useful. Those stock questions I avoided asking have a role. Split-second greetings while you pass someone in the hall does indeed do something. They open channels to making some kind of relationship with that person - be it friendship, simple acquaintances, business partners, co-workers, romantic partners, and so on.

The thing is, while those small exchanges themselves don't contribute much, they open the opportunity to lead to more communication. This is a really good thing for somebody like me who often finds himself feeling lonely.

Tactical Socialization

I call it tactical because the way I see it, there's a plan and a mission to it. There's things I need to do, want to accomplish, and there's a way to get them done.

What I'm looking to do is have a healthy social life, considering my naturally introverted nature. Despite being the "quiet guy," I can still have those baseline acquaintances with people around me. I've spent enough time going the opposite route, of generally avoiding talking to people, to know what's better for me. I do think the key, for now anyway, is getting used to making small talk with people. I've had more than enough instances of sitting awkwardly in silence by someone, because I didn't know what to say, or could not muster up the courage to speak.

I feel like I have what might be called a "social duty." Calling it a duty isn't really the right word, because nobody's requiring me to do it, but it's the best I can come up with. What I mean is that it's proper and beneficial to open those lines of communication with people around me, wherever I may find myself. I have that duty, that role, to carry out. I do it by saying hello as we pass each other in the hallway, or by using those stock questions during the right time of the semester. You engage the person, it creates that connection which helps a lot.

That's what I want to do. I want to try and say hello as I pass people in the dorm hall, in between classes, as I sit to eat and there's really not anyone else around, etc. I'd like to ask them what their plans for break are, how they feel about the exams they've had. Or just that vague old "How are you?" which can be used to start a chit chat or dismissed as a formality. I don't desire to push people to speak to me, or force a conversation. Starting conversations is hard for me; but once I'm in it, continuing and ending at the right time are more or less natural to me. That's what I'm going to aim to do more often.

I'm not really looking to become close friends with everybody I meet. First off, that's not in my nature. Even if I say hello to everyone, I'm still an introvert. I prefer to stick to a few close friends, rather than try to befriend everyone. I do want healthy social interaction, though. And who knows? Some, or even many, of those interactions can lead to friendships. I'm OK with that. Second, I know not everybody will want to be friends with me. I'm the calm, cool, collected, religious type. I tend not to get very emotional or rambunctious. A lot of people will find that off-putting. That's alright. If they don't desire friendship from me, it's their choice and I won't hold it against them.

On a religious note, this has evangelical benefits as well. The campus ministry I attend has an icebreaker event most nights before the message. I've usually kept out of those, but part of developing a better social life would include engaging in them. The Gospel is not spread by silence. It's spread by going up to a person and showing your godly character, speaking about Jesus where the opportunity arises. Once a person is a believer, having a community to go is vital for maintaining your faith. It helps to not feel alone, and eventually you could find someone to go to about spiritual problems and successes.