K-State Orientation, or, How to Confuse a Nerd

Yesterday I visited the Kansas State University campus for the first time. It was for enrollment and orientation. August 20th the classes officially begin, but I may opt to arrive in the dorms a day or two ahead of schedule.

But this adventure began nearly 12 hours before the orientation did. Having a mild case of sleep anxiety, sleeping isn't as convenient for me as others find it. This was somewhat problematic because in order to get enough sleep for the long trip ahead, everyone in the house went to bed early. Originally I was planning on getting off the computer and into bed at 8:30, but my parents were already resting and I didn't want to be up excessively late so I got into bed a whole 15 minutes before that. From 8:15 PM to about 9:30 I just laid there, idly surfing the Web on my cell phone until I finally dozed off. That nap lasted about an hour and I awoke again sometime during the 10 o'clock hour.

At that point I just could not get back to sleep, and every position was uncomfortable. I got up, leaned against the wall with a pillow supporting my back, and watched a National Geographic program until 11. Then, as I usually do for the Monday night 11 o'clock hour, I turned on TBN and watched Joel Osteen and Manna-Fest with Perry Stone. Some time during Manna-Fest I laid back down, but it wasn't until about 12:30 AM or so that I could get back to sleep.

Then my alarm went off. It was 3 AM. I had breakfast and prepared for the long ride ahead. To get from my little hometown of Independence to Manhattan, KS (aka the Little Apple; it has its own subreddit) takes about three hours. We did what we needed to do and were on the road shortly after 4 AM.

The ride there was actually very interesting. I had never been on the Kansas roads this late at night (or would it be early in the morning?). I've long been fond of the Kansas highways. The terrain and open space is lovely. It was about 60 degrees Fahrenheit although I was comfortable in my sweater. One of the most memorable parts was watching the colors of the horizon change as the sun got closer to rising. There were hues of blue, green, orange, and a spectrum of other colors. Minecraft has nothing on real sunrises. I frequently rested my head on my seat but I don't recall if I napped. I may have.

It's history now, but as we passed through the various towns and cities I posted a message on Twitter, if you want to check it out. I noticed that the small towns we went through looked very similar. It seems Dollar General, Casey's, Subway and Jump Start were staples of every area. I also saw two First Baptist Churches. Kansas, copying and pasting town plans before the advent of computers.

Right around 7 AM we made it to the college campus. It certainly doesn't look the way I expected. The buildings are mostly made of white concrete, as opposed to the darker colors I anticipated. It was an hour early so we just sort of stood around. I had brought a book with me, The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel, which I intermittently read. As we entered the student union building there was a flight of stairs down which led to the bowling arena, billiards room, and video game section. There was also a screen showing the schedule for the day. My father joked that it would be funny if it was a touch screen. Imagine touching it and suddenly every similar screen on campus goes flying about. After touching the screen however, he found it was not a touch screen.

At around 7:45 AM things began. What followed would be a very hectic, whirlwind series of events during which I was confused as to exactly what and where I was supposed to go. Honestly, I was clueless in every regard and if I could do something wrong, I did. In hindsight, it's hilarious.

First they had us go to a table based on our last name. I got to the one for me and received my name tag with three tickets to get free food at the food court for lunch. I also received a few other papers. Next I had to go to another table down the hall. I didn't notice it until my parents pointed it out to me. I think it was there that I got a pink piece of paper which was of some importance and a K-State bag with papers and a book in it. Next we followed the crowd - like lemmings, as my father said - to the spot where we would have our photos taken. My parents sat on a bench while I got in a winding queue to get my picture taken. It was fairly rapid and I liked the outcome.

At that point I think my sugar levels had dropped. There was an electronic thing that I had to sign my signature on. I couldn't keep my hand stable and as a result the first part of my signature is a little clumped together. I told my folks I needed food and we were directed upstairs to the food court where a convenience store was open. I grabbed some Twix and a Pepsi. The Twix alleviated my hunger and soon I was back in normal operating condition.

With that done we proceeded to where a series of desks with computers were. They were lined by last name but the lady behind a desk which wasn't for my last name was able to process me. I think she basically checked to verify I was me and I still wanted to major in computer science.

Now, after a little bit of confusion where to go next, we went into what looked like a little art gallery and had the chance to get some donuts and coffee. I'm not the most graceful of people and was already a little overladen, so when I attempted to grab a chocolate-covered donut with the tongs I succeeded in rolling it around the plate a little before successfully snatching it. Then into an auditorium.

Kansas State University is divided into nine colleges, or general areas of study. In this auditorium we were all seated according to which college we belonged to. As a computer science major, I went in the college of engineering. It was cramped and had a bizarre smell akin to cereal and body odor. Fortunately the scent was faint. A pregnant woman spoke to us first, then the Dean of the university addressed us for maybe a half hour. Throughout orientation I would be spoken to a lot and loaded with information, but all the talk sessions were brief - thank God.

During the message from the dean, I could discern he was trying to paint a rosy picture of the university. He frequently referred to the teachers and student body as a "family." I also sensed a sort of liberalism but it's too early to tell.

Next we were shipped to smaller rooms based upon which college we went to for a Tips for Success talk. from a couple fellow students. Throughout the entire day there were students wearing a purple KSU t-shirt and khaki shorts or skirt. I found these people to be very approachable, sociable, and informative. Part of this session involved meeting the others in the room that we didn't know. As an introvert, I naturally found that uninteresting and didn't really speak to anyone until the dude next to me spoke first. Nice first impression of me. Then the two students in charge spoke. Now that I think of it, both of them posted their Twitter accounts. I'm going to see if I can find them on there.

Something that I was wondering the whole time is if the university has its own dedicated Minecraft server. After the talk ended I asked one of the students and he didn't know. From there we went to what were called "Break Out Sessions," which were short informative sessions. There were many different ones to choose from. The first was Computing and Networking, which talked about the online systems that KSU has for students. Again I asked about Minecraft, and they did not know.

The second one was Career Resources. This was very interesting. There's a branch of the campus dedicated to helping students get jobs. As it turns out, employers frequently hold fairs at the campus to meet with students, aka potential employees. I sure intend on looking at that. Also, there are innumerable part-time job opportunities throughout the campus. The food court alone has a Denny's and Taco Bell. I may apply for one of those - although I'd rather get a job tailored to my major. My main goal of university is to get a job I want, so this was quite relevant to my interests.

By this time it was about 10:45 AM. A lull in the activity. My parents had wandered off a half hour ago although I kept in contact via text message. I meandered down to the first floor of the student union building to check things out. I met up with my parents in the food court. The next event wasn't meant to start until 11:15 AM but apparently they were a couple minutes ahead of schedule. A KSU student working the orientation asked if we were finding everything OK and I subsequently went upstairs where everyone was to meet up according to college. They had already left so one of the girls walked me to where the talk for the college of engineering was being held. It was in a different building. The room was a small lecture hall. The chairs were amazing. Cushioned and ergonomic, you could lean back slightly in them. By this point my brain was pretty fried and overloaded so I couldn't retain much of what was said.

Once that finished, it was finally lunch time. I went into the packed food court and started examining the various options. In addition to the Denny's and Taco Bell there were a few spots which looked like they were professionally ran. One spot had pizzas on display. I asked the lady what the menu was and she said that the only thing she was serving that day was what was on display. I almost got pizza, then I remembered how I've had so much recently that I've started losing desire for it.

To the right was another interesting spot. The guy there, despite apparently being a professional chef, was very casual and patient. No Gordon Ramsey here. I'm not sure if he could tell I had been in a near perpetual daze up to that point. I noticed a little sign saying he was serving an entrée with two sides or whatever so I opted for that. I asked what the entrée was and he presented three options. I went for the chicken selects (I hate I just used their McDonald's name to describe them, LOL!) and he put a pretty decent number of them on the plate. He then showed me the options for the side dishes and I selected the mashed potatoes and the corn. What he ended up doing was putting two scoops of mashed potatoes, overall a pretty beastly mound, and these little chicken nugget things which had like corn and I think cheese in them. By some sheer strange understanding of college-level physics he made it all fit on the plate. The meal also had a 24 ounce drink. I had no clue where the drink stand was until he pointed it out to me. This guy was pretty cool.

So I get to the drink stand and look at the various cups. I can't find the 24 oz. cups. I believe it was at this point that my patience started to fizzle out. I'm the kind of person that needs to have a schedule or to-do list to feel comfortable. That's not what I had that day. I felt like I had been haphazardly slung around the campus all morning not being told more than "Go this way." (Today I realized there was indeed a piece of paper with the day's schedule on it, but with all the information that I was being spammed with, I had no way of noticing.) I did finally find the 24 oz. cups and filled it with good ol' sweet tea. But my next frustration was finding the straws and napkins! They were nowhere to be found! A family near me was trying to understand the same thing. A cook was walking by and I asked him. The straws and napkins weren't available until after we paid for the meal. How nice. My plate was a thick paper plate and starting to feel warm. I informed the likewise clueless family and proceeded to the cashier - entering on the wrong side, of course. I handed in the food ticket, got my straw and napkin and looked for a place to sit. The section was filled with small square tables that seated four. Not knowing anyone (except possibly one person I may have recognized as a friend of some friend) I picked an empty table and began to eat. The food was delicious - especially the mashed potatoes.

My parents met up with me there. It all felt so surreal. That was the place where, in two months' time, I would be learning, living, and hopefully working. This would be my new home. A place where I would be taking my first steps as an individual adult, independent of my parents. I'm very lucky because the federal student aid I'm receiving will pay all but a few hundred dollars of my costs for the two years. I can easily handle the rest. Now that I think of it, I'm intensely lucky. I've been saving money up for years and years to pay for college and instead of thousands I'll only have to pay a few hundred. Hallelujah.

At 1 PM I had to return to the engineering building to take care of getting enrolled. I succeeded in finding my way to the wrong building and had two teachers direct me to the correct one. From there I wound up waiting on the wrong side of the library for a half hour to get processed. I never did get good phone signal at that campus. Had someone not alerted me I would have been waiting all day long. But I soon found myself in the right spot.

My advisor started off our conversation with a bad pun and said "If you don't like puns you better run." That made me chuckle because I'm a huge pun fan. Then we got down to plotting out my fall semester classes. Since I'm quite knowledgeable in programming concepts and several languages,  I was permitted to skip an otherwise required 200 level class and take CIS 300, "Data Structures." He informed me that if I found the class too overwhelming on the first couple days I could drop the class and enter CIS 200. I ended up with 3 computers-related classes for my first semester.

He wanted to then see me take a non-computers course to fulfill other requirements. I noticed PHILO 115 was Introduction to the Philosophy of Religion. Once, while discussing with an older friend my interest in ministry, he suggested that if I didn't want to do seminary I could try religious studies in college. I put this on my list of classes to enroll in. The advisor said the course might be full already so suggested I have an alternative ready. I picked HIST 101, Rise of Europe. Four classes chosen, I moved to a computer where a volunteer was helping people enroll.

I had no trouble enrolling in Intro to Computer Science and Intro to Computer Engineering. When I tried getting into PHILO 115 the system didn't seem to recognize it existed. The volunteer helped me check and I found out it was closed to transfer students. That was unfortunate as I was anxious to take that class. Instead I enrolled in HIST 101 with no issue. Then with CIS 300 it wouldn't let me get in because I hadn't taken CIS 200. The guy who had spoken at the 11:15 session, I believe he is the dean of engineering, was alerted and he enrolled me in the CIS 300 class. My schedule was complete and it got printed out. It was after 2 PM by that point.

By that time fatigue had kicked in. I returned to the student union and picked up my KSU photo ID card. We then looked at the various tables in the student union showing off the many programs. Amongst the things I checked out where two of the 4 Christian programs on display and the museum. I might want to work at the museum - it's quiet, like a library, and seems like what I'd enjoy. One more question needed to be answered: dorms. Where would I be staying? What could/couldn't I bring to the campus? I returned to the engineering building and asked the dean of engineering. He had me call the appropriate office. They won't know who goes where until the first week of July, when they mail out the information. The stuff to bring or not bring is available on the website.

And with that I was done and ready to go home. I picked up another bottle of Pepsi for my dry mouth and we returned to our car. I took off my sweater and immediately knew I did not smell very nice.

The drive home was largely quiet. We were all tired. It felt much quicker than the trip to the campus. I had a small nap. For about the last hour I played a game on my cell phone. When we were a few miles from Independence my father asked what was going on concerning dinner. I mentioned I wanted to do what has become a typical part of my Tuesday schedule, which is to meet with friend at the apartment of a married couple of friends for a couple hours. My parents were gracious enough to drop me off there and take my bookbags and paper home.

There I relaxed and hung out with my friends. Most of them are younger than me. I played a little Zelda and had some soup. Now, it seems that this younger generation isn't very concerned with personal space when around friends. As a rule, I tend to give friends appropriate amount of personal space and avoid awkward physical contact. It's not like I sit a foot away from them but I'm not all up on them. However it seems (especially amongst the young women I know) when on a couch, it's completely fine to be bunched up together, leaning and in some cases sitting on each other. Trying to be "hip" and sociable I got in on it and found myself someone squeezed against a friend. It was weird but I got used to it. Although, I noticed one of my female friends resting her head on a guy friend. Monkey see, monkey do. I went to put my head on her shoulder but he stopped me, evidently finding it awkward. I was amused at how she said it, though.

When I got home shortly before 9 PM, I realized my mp3 player was missing. I deduces one of two things: either it was in the car, or at the friends' house. Doesn't seem to be in the car. Either I dropped it somewhere or I got pickpocketed. Oh well. It was broken anyway. Unfortunately, now I need to get new headphones. And maybe a less crappy mp3 player.

Some Reality

About two weeks ago I had a small depressive spell. Things just weren't going my way and it was really getting me down. It's had a lasting, possibly, permanent impact on my ambitious, imaginative side.

Growing up in school I was always told that I could be anything I ever wanted. My parents also reinforced that. The church likes to say that God has some incredible purpose for everyone and if they were obedient to Him, they would experience it. As a result of this constant encouragement, I like to say that I've been foolish enough to believe I really could do whatever I set my mind to, provided I had the right planning and effort put into it.

In recent times I've come to realize that, you know what, it may not be so simply obvious that I will achieve my dreams in life. My current desire for life, at the moment, is to graduate from university with a Bachelor's of Science degree in computer science. From there I wish to work for a computers company where I can do some kind of programming. My strengths are largely in Web development so that's where I may very well go. I would love to see if any companies needs someone with an Associate's degree that can hire me part time while I'm at university, but that's more a possibility rather than a concrete piece of the plan.

Once I get my Bachelor's, I want to find a company that will hire me full time in some programming function. If I get a programming job as a college student, I might be lucky enough to be able to stick with that company. After a few years of work I may decide to start my own programming company, which I have named Dextros Programming. That's more possibility than reality. Eventually, and hopefully within the next ten years, I will find a nice Christian gal and get married. Also in the realm of possibility is getting my Master's in computer science, if the job market would necessitate it. I may even enroll in a seminary program and get a Master's in Biblical Studies or apologetics. I don't believe I am going to be a pastor in the future but I do have a calling to ministry. So far it seems like the most likely things I'll be entering are youth ministry, apologetics, and/or evangelism.

I also want to be a published writer and create a game I've had in my mind for several years.

That's what I want to do with life. It's much more than the common 20-something desires. I would reckon most of them are simply "finish college. Get a job. Get a house and car." And for the better part of my life, I've believed that it was a given I would accomplish these. I got the knowledge. I got the resources. I got the time and ambition. So I'll do all of this, right?

Not when reality steps into speak. The fact of the matter is, half of new graduates with Bachelor's degrees can't get jobs. The economy is in a slump that even well-educated graduates are settling for minimum wage jobs, if they can get one at all. On top of that, I stepped into the programming realm relatively late, it seems. I know a young man who was only 14 and already coding in Python. I didn't get serious about coding until I was 16. Luckily, the computer sciences are expanding fields so hopefully I have an advantage when I wield a Bachelor's degree.

I recently sent job applications to six or so entry-level jobs. None of them accepted me. Which is insane because I have a college degree and three years of work experience. And I wasn't good enough? How will I ever fund myself at university? I really do not want to work for McDonald's when I leave for school. However that may end up being my only option; I have a great reputation as a worker here, and it might be possible to get transferred there.

This lack of money hampers things immensely. If I do land a stable computers job I will be quite happy. I intend on living somewhere cheap for the first few years after school. I'm not particularly materialistic. Quite hopefully, I won't end up being another student who, unable to get a good income after college, has to move back in with the parents. It's really a 50-50 chance that I'll get a decent computer job. And it may require me moving out of state. The lack of money would also make starting a company quite hard. In all likelihood I won't have much free time, and my skills are rather limited. To make up for this I would need to hire others. It would need to be a volunteer venture since there's no way I could pay employees. I informally have myself listed as Founder/Lead Programmer of Dextros Programming on my Facebook page, but it's merely fantasy (alongside being graduated from Konoha Academy and Starfleet Academy as chaplain for the Enterprise).

Being a published writer first necessitates I write something good. I have some drafts made that might be decent. I have one story that, although currently it is an online blog, I may go ahead and try to get it turned into a book. This is much more of a concrete thing, just takes creativity and effort.

Making a game is something in the works, but not advancing at a very good pace. Again, it would ultimately need help from others. Getting married is something you really can't plan. I first need to find a compatible person. At the moment that seems quite difficult for me since I'm not a very typical person. Ministry is also something I can't plan. I have a ministry blog and plenty of head knowledge. I just need to get on the streets and start working it. But I need real life support, and almost none of the people I know want to be involved.

Sure does seem like I've dissected and shot down my dreams. I'm not saying they're impossible, I'm saying some of them are improbable. It's for certain that I'll get my Bachelor's degree - federal financial aid will cover all but a couple hundreds of dollars from that, although student loans will be another issue to deal with.

I suppose the lesson I've learned is one of humility. I'm not as awesome and powerful and gifted as I formerly thought myself to be. My awesome future I've dreamed of isn't so set in stone.

My depression was set off when I realized there were some things about my work which absolutely sucked and there was nothing I could do about it, and then when I was told I might be able to do something I really wanted to do, but it was dropped at the last second without my awareness. These things made me feel so useless, and hopeless. Useless because it seemed like I had no worth. I had nothing to provide besides meaningless, menial stuff. Oh sure I can go on the Internet and make myself seem so great and gifted but in real life, I'm nothing. And hopeless because I felt like I was in a trap where all I could do is despair over less than ideal conditions in life, and that there was no way for me to effectively use the skills I do have. With those events and feelings came the feeling that I'm not really all that important or great. Which is reflected in this pessimistic outlook on my dreams.

If you ask me if I'll ever accomplish what I seek to do in life, I'll tell you it's uncertain. In reality, I might not manage to do any of them. I could very well end up doing the thing I've worked so hard to avoid: living a meaningless, mediocre life.

This pessimistic view, although not necessarily the actual outcome I'm destined to have, is quite grounding. It brings me to reality. You see, I do still have these dreams. To be a programmer, an author, and minister. And they can be done. Sometimes it seems like my efforts aren't toward a discernible goal. For example: until a few weeks ago I was devoting time learning the various PHP command libraries. I don't even remember most of them. Then I realized something, which also sparked that depression: it was for no practical purpose. I was getting so much information, but to what end? I've moved from that to trying more practical stuff. The results have been immediate, with two new completed projects. They're far from magnificent but better than nothing. In my writing, I'm jumping through the parts, writing as inspiration comes. I do foresee this being a completed project. And as for ministry, I have already started that.