Post 30: On Dating and Courting

A couple weeks ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. I will refrain from going into detail about the relationship and the events involved for this post, although I may write about that another time. There was a great deal of joy and pain in the relationship, and I was greatly enlightened by all of it.

Before the relationship happened, I had largely come to believe that there was no chance for anyone to want to date me. Why would they? I'm hardly ugly, but I'm no stunning beast either. As my ex-girlfriend and others have said, I'm introverted to a degree. Normally when there is a large group of people, they will naturally divide into smaller circles of friends. I on the other hand am what I call a "floater" - I mostly stay to myself, walking amongst the groups. Friends and family repeatedly affirm that I do have a strong compassionate streak, however when there is too much open emotion or I'm in a bad mood, I grow impatient, weary, and cease showing emotion or expressing empathy. I have intense passion for computer programming and Star Trek, both which are turn offs to the common gal. Overall, I'm just weird. Yet someone existed that looked past all that and found the good in me to be attractive. So I'm not undateable as I used to think.

In the relationship before this one, I barely knew the name of the young woman and didn't actually know what to do as a boyfriend. The result: on the first day I followed her everywhere before classes, on the second day I avoided her completely, by the end of the week we weren't talking, by the end of the month we broke up. She didn't speak to me another six months. From all this I got the belief I had no romantic skills. That I couldn't make for a good boyfriend. Such seemingly natural skills for normal people - not present in an abnormal person like me.

How wrong that was! After initial hesitation I became very close with my then girlfriend and over time I discovered a side of myself I did not realize could possibly exist. One of strong feeling, ridiculous humor, hugs and kisses, and a love of cuddling. I broke physical, mental, and emotional barriers that had been set up by years of self-doubt and inexperience.

I think above all, I believed I was a failure at relationships, someone who would just never be able to find a girlfriend and have a life-long relationship, although I've long assumed someday I would have a wife. Through the ups, and more importantly the downs, I realized that I'm not a failure at all. In fact, with the levels of knowledge, God-given wisdom, compassion, and even eccentricity stored up in me, I would make for a desirable boyfriend for any young woman seeking a partner who could bring stability, support, and love to her life. I am of a unique, good quality caliber which only young women with above average standards for themselves are likely to seek.

Would I say I've been hurt from the way the relationship ended? Possibly, but I doubt it. I clearly don't see myself as bad boyfriend material; if anything, reflecting on past experiences has bolstered my self-confidence in this area of life. Have I been changed by this? Oh yes.

When I began dating my now ex-girlfriend, I was taking a social science class. One of the topics was types of love styles. Basically, there are six different styles which people demonstrate and experience love. Everyone has a unique set of preferences:

• Eros: beauty, sexuality, physical attraction.
• Ludus: it's all about having fun!
• Storge: friendship, commitment. Such lovers progress slowly.
• Manic: you go nuts over the other person.
• Pragma: is the other person good for day-to-day life?
• Agape: self-sacrificial, putting what's best of the other person before your own.

I took the little quiz used to gauge one's preferences and came out as eros, storge, and agape. She came out almost exactly the same as me, which was quite pleasant. After going through what I did, I think I'm going to take a more practical, not emotional, approach to dating. I'm going to have a little more pragma in my love style.

I learned about the depths a relationship can have, even a nonsexual one (her and I were both abstinent, and I'm generally uninterested in trying to engage in sexual activity with anyone). I also learned about the levels of heartbreak that they can have when things go wrong. Wisdom has been gained from this, the kind of wisdom that most people will read and disagree with. But really, it's not like anyone ever agrees with what I say on here, right?

I spent some time researching dating. Historically speaking, it has only appeared in its current form for about a century. The general trend in America seems to be starting in the teen years or even younger (11 years old for me), we start to seek those in the other gender that we consider attractive. I can only speak from secondhand experience in this field as I was never much of a dater. However I can deduct that we seek others as boyfriend and girlfriend for all sorts of reasons: they have attractive personalities, they are sexually attractive, we feel lonely, we feel incomplete as a person, or they just plain out asked us out and we were acceptive. But there's a common denominator: sex. I could rant for hours on this topic but here I will be brief. It has become acceptable for teens and young adults to have sex and that's one of the end goals of most relationships. It happens at some point. In nonreligious and religious secondary schools alike, there is often that statistics where most enter as virgins and exit sexually active. Those who aren't sexually active are teased to some extent for it; I know I have been a good many times. Yes, there are those who for whatever reason, commonly but not necessarily religious reasons, make it clear they're not interested in that. Such relationships, don't seem to last long.

Dating is an evolution, and I daresay a degrading, of an earlier practice called courting. In courting, a man sought out not a girlfriend, but a wife. Oh man, think of the commitment that requires! When he found someone suitable he did the traditional and clever things to woo her and get her hand in marriage. It's not sexual; it's practical. Now, some may call me traditional and maybe to an extent I am. I appreciate values such as modesty, respect of authority, helping others, saying "please" and "thank you," apologizing when I make a mistake, and not treating women as sex objects but rather fellow competent humans. At the same time, I reject traditions that I find irrelevant or unnecessary. I suppose it is the respect I have of these particular traditions, or maybe just plain common sense, that makes me want to get into courting, not dating.

Now, I may not be the kind to buy boxes of chocolate and roses (or maybe I am?) but I want to add more courting qualities to my ventures with the opposite gender. And that starts at the level of practicality. Right now I am twenty years old, carrying a part-time job and attending community college. Dating is for satisfying current desires, emotional and otherwise. Courting is for satisfying the long-term desire for romantic companionship. That means marriage. Am I ready for marriage? At this time, definitely not. And what does dating get me? A temporary fix, nothing more. I have decided that I'm not going to pursue romance with women until I'm out of college with a good job and ready to settle down with someone. I already have some ideas of what makes for a proper mate for me and as time goes on I will doubtlessly add more and change what is already there.