Post 21: Is the Hard Work Worth It?

No matter what job you're at, what church you go to, or what school you learn from, there's normally at least one person who is at least a little more advanced than the rest. Maybe he's the tireless worker or she's the devout believer or the star pupil. This person has an uncanny excellence that others love about him or her.

I am that person, more or less in all three aspects presented. At work, I'm noted and loved for being a hard worker and respecting of those around me. I was made employee of the month after six months and was given the highest pay raise during our last work performance reviews. In my church, I'm probably one of the smarter ones insofar as understanding my faith and developing it, considering my age. I'm also one of the core members of my youth group, which has about seven consistent members including myself. My college grades are all A's and I have at least a 3.6 GPA. When I graduated high school, I was #3 in a class of 249. I'm punctual and do try to participate a little in classes. I try to complete assignments on time and do as best as I can.

I suppose you could say I've been pretty successful in everything I've done. Partly, this is due to God-given talent and ability to learn things quickly then remember and apply it. But I also think that it's part of how I was raised. My parents always stressed the importance of schoolwork. I was expected to finish my homework before I could watch TV or play on the computer. In high school, when anything below a 92 was abnormal for me, my mother's facial expressions seemed to thinly veil a feeling of disapproval. Her first husband would, upon seeing my sixth grade report card sporting A's and A+'s with star-shaped stickers, applaud my good work but then always add, "You can do better" as a sort of way to motivate me even though I would tell him that it hurt my feelings.

As a result, I pushed myself hard. I didn't like it when I had a grade in the 80's (and those were uncommon anyway until senior year of high school). This drive to excel was also fueled by what seemed to be the entire goal of doing well in school: to get into college and get a good job. I had been instilled with the idea that if I don't do well in school, then no colleges would accept me and I would have a mediocre life at best. The school system and my parents put in me the belief that it was of the utmost importance to do the best I could in high school because it would shape the rest of my natural life. So, me being me, I accepted that belief and lived by it. To further the issue, I saw school as a competition where my life and honor were at stake. I had to be #1. I had to get to the top or else I would have no recognition from college or industry. But I never did make it to the title of top dog. About junior or senior year I began to wisen up and realize that it wasn't that big of a deal, but not until I graduated did I fully understand how much I overdid it.

Still, that instinctual urge to be great in everything I do did not and has not left me. When I became Christian I had a desire to be an active, actual Christian instead of someone who carries the name and acts it on Sunday morning. It hasn't left me and as a result after three and a half years, I've developed faith and intelligence about my religion that would require the typical person at least 5-6 years, if not more. As is stands, the majority of the people who know me have only seen the Christian me. They never saw the pervert, the atheist. Of course, it probably involves the fact that I've been in Kansas for two years and lost contact with most of my high school friends.

But the question I ask is, "Why?" When I'm already such an above average person, why do I continue to press myself to meet unrealistically high standards? Why am I so unforgiving of myself when I mess up or slack off? I guess what I mean is, it's unnecessary for me to do what I do. I could actually degrade a fair bit and still be ahead of the crowd. What is is that stops me from letting go, chilling out, and maybe (gasp!) bending or breaking a rule every now and then?

One response harkens back to the way I was brought up. The "be the best" mentality is stuck in me. As is another credo that was introduced to my life during my teen years, which was to do what you were told without exception. You do it or there will be consequences. Don't we all face that? Yet for various reasons I took that to heart more closely than most people do. We were not to have our cell phones turned on during school hours therefore I would rarely leave mine on. At work we are supposed to do what our employers tell us, therefore I carry it out as accurately and completely as I reasonably can. And indeed I am rewarded for these things. Yet the rewards may not be worth the costs. Think about it: granted I work during the busiest hours of the day, but should four hours of wiping tables, sweeping floors, changing garbage, and doing dishes exhaust me like it so often does? No, but it does.

I'm a bit of a MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) addict and as I've stated in previous posts, I have an ISTJ personality. I think that the schools and my family life has molded me in a way that would make me like an ISTJ, and it succeeded. As a whole we're very thorough and detailed. In school this meant learning even the most minute relevant fact and holding onto it forever; in work, it meant not even a single crumb remains on a table. We are obedient; we understand and respect the chain of command and would not normally do anything to violate it. We try to be people of integrity and consider our words to be as binding as a written contract. We are the cogs of society, which sometimes leads to us being faceless numbers in the mass. Or consider another organizing scheme I've recently encountered, which is the World of Warcraft character alignment system. I'm a Lawful Neutral (with high Lawful Good traits) which means I follow a code of law - in this case, Biblical standards - as best as I can. (Incidentally, my girlfriend is a Chaotic Good and I think she's a good match for me. Her free-spirited nature helps me loosen up and be a little nicer.) I also have that drive to do things well and do them right, so I'm not one to cut corners.

Yet despite a seeming drive to do things the good old fashioned way, I do have a strong individualist streak. Depending on the scale you use, I have near-genius or genius thinking skills. I could choose to do what would seem to help and break from this structured way of being, to be more free and haphazard. Instead of doing a term paper a week before it's due, why not wait until four days remain to get started? Why not go ahead and go an entire week without reading my Bible? I already know more of it than the average 19 year old believer anyways. My salvation isn't hinged upon how many chapters I can memorize. Some people care more about how you achieve a goal than actually achieving it. I emphasize achieving the goal, but I also stress a great deal over the manner it's done. Perhaps I should make my life a little simpler by stressing over it less. Be a little inefficient.

Post 20: Three Days of No Minecraft!

I'm going to take a step away from my normally deep, thought-provoking (you can read that in a sarcastic tone if you wish) and tell you about something I did over this weekend. If you view my Twitter updates then you realize I'm hardcore addicted to Minecraft. That posed a problem to me. I would just log into it and do nothing really for periods of time instead of either being productive in real life or working on projects in the game. So I made a decision that, for three days, I would not do anything related to that game. I would not play it, I would not visit websites associated with it, I would not watch videos of it, nothing. I started that Friday, 1 April, and would not finish until Monday, 4 April.

As it turns out, it wasn't all that difficult! The first day I certainly had to remind myself a few times not to do my usual things and I got better quickly. This comes at a time the game had gone through an update, so I would miss the rush of new things entering the game. I got progressively better over the weekend.

With that distraction out of the way I found plenty of free time. I got bored, a lot. I quickly got back into two of my passions that had died out in time: programming and writing. One of my dreams is to release a multiplayer browser-based space battle game and a project I've been on and off with (mostly off) is sort of a simulation of it. I spent a good deal of time building it and have accomplished a lot. It's not done and there are a few bugs but it's closer to completion now. Insofar as writing, I'm working on a project called "After Adults", and you can see it here: http://afteradults.blogspot.com. Although I didn't do any writing I've gotten lots more planning of it done. I'm using actual cities for the setting but for a couple of them I may need to silently skip or even reuse places - author's prerogative, a wonderful thing.

Yet even with all that being done there were lots of times when I was just sitting at the computer idly viewing the same websites over and over. I did accomplish a lot more school stuff than I have recently but I don't care much for the classes so I sort of put those off to last. I pushed myself a little bit with those.

About the third and last day of no Minecraft I looked at another game I had tried downloading a few times but got discouraged given the size of the download file (1.25 GB!): "Genesis AD". I thought it was simply a variation of Halo and to a degree it is. But there's a big difference from what I've seen. The game is entirely based on PvP and from there you achieve rewards for completing missions - say, from playing on a certain field of getting a set number of kills at once. It's a first person shooter and once I got the hang of it, I found it quite nice. The main problem is that I'm so twitchy that once I start shooting, I can't keep my aim straight. Plus I have no concept of strafing while firing, and there are very few places for sniping, which is my best ability.

Now, I'm back in the whole Minecraft thing, back to the old routine. Hopefully it won't start consuming all my time again but we've seen how that turns out!